140pm sunday nov 20, 2011
MOOD: exhausted, anxious, triggered, sore throat and headache...
i woke this am at 7 - well i was already really awake but i actually got out the bed and finally took 800mg motrin... this migraine i had started in the night and i thought i was dying... thn i lay back down and tried to sleep... no luck so finally i grabbed my phone and sent a meassage to my friend and a text o hubby for when would he be home s his breakfast would be ready... at 9am i lazily dressed in sleep pants entirely too big for me with a tsirt and a long sleeve sweater...
i had known i was triggere and i was trying to fight and be careful but i ened up caving in...i made my huby a bagel with egg n cheese and some coffee and while those were cooking i made some oatmeal with raisins... when his was done mine was done and we sat to eat... well he decided he was not going to sleep because he wasnt sleepy and i made bagel for my youngest with butter and cream cheese and a bagel for me with butter, pb and honey...when i got done i tried to fight the voices telling me how fat i was getting sitting there and after about 5 min i couldnt take it anymore and ran into the bathroom downstair to empty it from my gut... i then went to my room, stripped, weighed, redressed and carried the latch hook downstairs... while down there i took my effexor since after i had weighed i tok my other meds as well...
after a few minutes i decided i was exhausted and was going to try to sleep - not do the latch hook right then... i slowly climbed the stairs completely exhausted and feeling exherted with eaxh step and breath the made my way to my bed... climbed in an grabbed my phone to chat with my friend... idk how long we chatted - not long, but som where around 11 i decided to log out and ty to sleep a little... well i drifted off quickly and i woke startled by some child outside or next door screaming and crying no! no! i didint do it! i wont! and at first it was so soft i thougt was in my mind but when i jumped nd woke it was a little louder and i went to check to be certain was not one of my boys in trouble which it was not....
i came back to my bed where i had to change all my clothes and put a towel down on the bed... i do not EVER sweat - im always cold but for some reason i had awoke in complete saturation of sweat through my clothing and onto the bed sheets... i was still chilly so i wonder if i could have had a fver andi broke from the motrin - maybe thats what the migraine was from?... i lay back down with my phon and start to talk with m friend agin, guess i was aslee nearly hrs - yikes! ting is i still feel tired, like ive not slept, my eyelids are heavy and drooping and i can barely keep em open...
im highly triggered - woke from the sleep like this and the tiredness just makes me feel more triggred... i know if i bp it will exhaust me but for a bit i wll also have loads of energy... trying to figt it and my friend is as well so we keep talking... i decided to log into my laptop maybe this will wake m up and help wit the need to bp??? idk - but it is not helping yet!
so far today i have bp once, have a sore throat and a migraine... have to make tacos for dinner and tke my friend home plus get some gas... i hope i am strong eough to finally strike back at mia today...
Sunday, November 20, 2011
today is a lllloooonnnngggg day...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
lost the 3rd round...break time fight some more tomorrow...
649 pm nov 19, 2011
MOOD: disgusted, fat, bloated, gross, want to cut.
i am really disgusted with myself and my falling to my ass again... mia won a 3rd round and im exhausted... i really need some sleep so very bad and purging just makes me so much more exhausted...
i want to cut so very very badly... i have the time and opportnity too since hubby is working 24hrs... i need to fight myself though - i just can have anything happen that could land my ass into the hospital faster than i am already seeming to get there... i dont want to be in the hospital but im not sure of my chances of staying out either...
my boys r having another friend sleep over tonight and im going to try and stay up to watch a movie - if i dont then it comes on again dec 3,4 and 5 all morning times which is way bettr for me...
so this am i took my meds like i said - they were late though and the day ended up not only being long but also a triggerful day and i was trying to figure out why felt so much "weaker" in my rounds with mia when i realized i had not taken all of my meds... my effexor was filled yesterday but it is downstairs - i had forgotten to take it... tomorrow i will be sure to not forget... i will finish the latch hook tomorrow as i didnt have the focus today... also i will begin another blanket athat usually keeps me warm... hubby will probably be sleeping for most the day so i may just stay in the bed with him and try to catch some extra sleep myslef... idk yet...
well im going for now... gonna try to catchsom zzzz's before the movie tonight...
i think im becoming an icescicle! ***potentially triggering**
1249pm sat nov 19, 2011
MOOD: IRRITATED, anxious, annoyed, fustrated, depressed, exhausted, and more i just cant name right now...
well lets begin with yesterday where i left off... after a while, i ended up cavin in and bp... it wasnt a lot - i dont think, was cottage cheese, a bowl of cereal and i think that was all - i dont remember... so ya i purged in which as i walked to the bathroom - i could not even make it upstairs so i ran into he downstairs one where it all came up in mere seconds then i returned to heading to my room to weigh - make sure everything was out... well that highly triggered me some more because the number was still up from when i had woken up... i wasnt up much and i suppose it was due to the koolaid and stuff i hd been guzbut well it was still hard to just let it be... thing is when i purged i had nothing left to get up because it was dry heaving after a second...
well i let it go i guess and i made it through the day... we had to go get the pizzas and when we got done picked up our friend and came home... i had only managed to clean the house, put away all laundry, bake and frost a double layer cake, put in the candles, do the shopping for a few things and while opening a can of the frosting - slicing open my finger! so i got stuff done well enough and i served the pizza which i first had to re-heat bcuz it had taken us so long to get home they were only still warm... so i heated on a reg plate and transferredt o foam plates for everyone... in order to avoid eating i served a piece to myself and tore pieces off, wrapped in paper towel and threw into the trash, then i would walk around pretending to be chewing... i served the cake and ice cream, didnt have any and i made it to bed without a 2x bp... so no - i wasnt proud of hiding like that or pretending - but i was determined to make it through another day without caving to BN more tha i already had...
i worked on the lady bug latch hook some lastnight before heading to bed and was ready for sleep at 9... my sons friend and our family friend stayed over night and the boys were all downstairs laughing and playing ps3 and movies... hubby had to go into work and needed to sleep so i had to make them be quiet - needless to say a restless sleep for me...
woke this am at 6 with hubby and i showered then without thinking went downstairs before taking meds which was a bad idea... i ended up eating - hence purging... so for today - i am at 1x...grrrrr... i had to heat breakfast for all the boys - they wanted left over pizza so that was easy enough! finally after they all ate and hubby went to work i purged nd came to lay in the bed... freezing and literally exhausted... i got up and put on a strapless padded bra and bathing suit bottoms and took some pics... i want to compare with older ones of myself - maybe ill see a difference? well - looking at them do not see a differnce... imstill rolly polly and i can pinch fat all over my body... i know there is more to lose but i have to fight myself to not continue to drop... especially i weighed this am and well it was down even further... my mind was jumping with excitement and fear... im not sure which way i really feel about it... i really just want to be HAPPY.... i just want to like myself, like my body enough that i can function and start doing things i like rather than always be in hiding because im embarrassed of others looking at me.. i worry this will never happen...
so along with freezing today when i lay down i started talkin to my friend on here - i needed to chat and be busy and try t get warmed up... well we chatted a bit but i was so cold i decided to laydown and curl up for a bit to try and get warm... then the phone rang and it was a good friend - my first CM from here..she is so awesome! anyway we talked a bit...but we didnt talk about me really... i tried to avoid that conversation for today... idk what if anything she can do seeing as she is by law required to report things - whether she would do anything with regars to me and m weight and health... i know she had the abilitybefore - she and my DR and T had me admitted in 08, but since she is no longer my CM but instead a friend - idk her legal limitations for health care providers...
anyway - oh i did take my meds by the way - after purged... i was not about to have another day of bp all dy - dont have the want or energy to do so...so our conversation was about the cats, my boys, her boys and then she had to go...some one had called on her hm line bu when she got toit they had started calling on her cell... she was worried could be hubby so we said good byes for today... we will chat again soon i hope...
ok so here is the challenge of today... the following are pics - (***potentially triggering***) of me.. personallyi find them all disgusting ad i see grossness and rolls... however i am putting side by side to see before and afters... weights will also be added with the pics...
Friday, November 18, 2011
can i get off this ride now? its not any fun!
1140am friday nov 18, 2011
MOOD: ANXIOUS, triggered, dizzy, tired, sad
happy 16th to my son today - this is the sad part... i cant believe he is 16... im not ready for him to be grown yet... oh well such is life...
so the ride... i want OFF! let me get on what that means...
ok so yesterday i had my therapy... i was anxious and wasnt looking foward to it just because the fact i didnt feel like dealing with anything... i knew i needed to go though and i did... there was a lot said and a LOT that im not happy about... so she tells me that the "treatment team" had a phone conference and they feel it is time to bring my husband into the therapy now. they feel he needs tobe made aware of how bad ive gotten and where i am as far as being '1 foot in the hospital bed'... she said if i keep going there is a bed waiting for me and i said no thanx... im not wanting to go into the hospital... so i am REALLY trying HARD to kick mia... im logging my intake so maybe i can be 'allowed' to have some and as long as i do some exercise i think i will feel a little more comfortable with it...
basically i was told i have to let her know whether i agree to bring him into session with me or not by our next apt. well i dont feel i have much choice to be honest... if i dont comply then because the 'team' recommended it i either have to do it or i lose my treatment... well - dont want to lose my treatment but dont want him coming either... however - i am choosing to ask hubby to come because i really do want to get better and without the treatment team - it isnt going to happen...
so i did my measurments lastnight and my waist is 22" my thighs t the thickest section are 15"... ive really lost some inches and im happy about that... however im not too thrilled with the fact that my clothes are really not fitting now... my pants i just bough that are sz 16 girls now need a belt to stay up... not cool...
i stopped at the hospital and got my effexor refilled then went upstairs to see my CM but she is out till monday... i really wanted to see her - i feel like i was sort of side swiped or trapped by them conferencing and my not knowing... especially since i saw her earlier this week and she never mentioned they were going to talk or that this could be recommended. idk i just feel like i needed to discuss it with her and now there is noone available for that...
today i was up at 4am... i have not slept hardly at all for 2 nights now - even with 15mg of melatonin... i have a 100ton hippo sitting on my chest crushing the breath out of me... ive ben taking the anxiety meds but they arent helping worth anything right now... i emailed my psyche med person and told her whats going on and asked what i can do... i cant take this much longer...
i went to walmart this morning and i got some stuff for son's party this afternoon and then that was when i next stopped to get my meds then came home.. i cleaned hubby and my room, our bathroom, made the bed, finished the laundry, picked up the living room and game room, and baked/frosted a cake... no wonder im so tired right now!
when i got up this am i weighed of course - i always do... well once i weighed i was surprised! i cant believe the number on the scale but i guess i shouldhave expected it... there was another drop and even though im not supposed to try and lose more weight i have and i am happy about it as well a - like i said in a previous post - concerned... so no weight being posted as i feel it will be triggering...
i have to go get a friend for my son's birthday later and then im going to go to lil caesars to get some pizzas... im not planning to eat today... yesterday i only had 1x bp... so i am planning to do a 0 today... i have to get rid of mia... will do it slowly but i cant give up... eventually i know i will make it with the right supports...
for now im done... trying hard to not cave to this anxiety which has be highly triggered... chattin with a friend - it usually helps for a bit... but i still have to finish cleaning and bake some cookies - im not sure i can do any of it right now... i guess ill come back later and see what happens...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
hi-ho! hi-ho! off to school we go!
911am Thursday nov17, 2011
MOOD: good question???
i woke to the squawk of the alarm clock for hubby at 420am... irritated too because i was awake almost all night and had just fallen to sleep - oh well..i got up, went to the bathroom and ten back to bed... at 545am here my youngest sons alarm screaming at us and he is no where to be seen... of course - he had woke early and was already downstairs - forgeting to first turn the alarm clock off... ugh... oh well - need the extra time to help middle son get ready and myself ready so i can take him to school today...
i stumbled downstairs, dressed except shoes and sox and began putting the bandage and immobilizer on his leg for him... i then made my husbands breakfast so when he got home ot would be ready just need to be reheated... 10 til 7 and my oldest, middle and myself loa into the van and head off... i drop oldest at his school (across the street from middl sons school) and go park to get my middle into school...
inside i speak with his JROTC Sgt and then his math teacher the finally to the office to speak with the personel there... she welcomes him back from his near week out and then says i have to go to the nurses offce to get the elevator pass nd exused from p until cleared by the specialist... so we walk to the nurses office bu she wasnt there yet... we went next to guidance to reqest makeup work be brought there so he could get all in one trip and not have to walk all ovr the school...next e waited for the nurse...
finall she makes a copy of the note from the speialist for his excused pe and for him to use the elevator she makes him a pass... i tell her about the motrinat noon and he can have ice if he needs it also it needs to be elevated if possible... finally free - i walk to he van through the chilly rain and icey cold wind - was glad the heater worked fast!
i texted hubby i was on my way finally and he says ok... he had his breakfas before i got home and said it was good - didnt mind having to reheat it... i had made him 2 eggs - over easy, eng muffin and some cottage cheese...then we sat on th couch for a few min before he had to return to work... it as nice tojust be close like that...
so the plans for today were NO BP - wll thats not happening... unfortunately i have already been binging an will purge - but i will not for the rest of the day... i think the stress of getting my son to school and worrying about him, as well as the lightheadedness i was havin just triggered me and i want able to escape.. i did tke my meds again though and that helps me do better withbp - for the most part...
worried about a good friend of mine today... i messaged her in yahoo several times with no response - i really hope she i ok... i have the latch hook here and im ready to finish it then i have some more yarn - im going to make another blanket... like we need more! haha! oh well! also have to go by the hospital today to make sure the claim is fixed that we were getting wrongfully charged for and i told my cm id come in and see her when i did that... those things should have me busy until time to do lunch for hubby an then drive to apt at 130... i hope this day doesnt last as long as it feel like it is going too...
1040am... MOOD: ANXIOUS AS HELL
i managed to make the 2 weeks without therapy but ive also had a hard time... ive not written much over the time - just beause the opportunity really hasnt been there... when ive had the time ive not had the ability or just no focus...
i took a shower - was trying to distract myself from this 10 ton hippo sitting on my chest - but it didnt work and i really just feel worse... i took a pill a few minutes ago because i just cant handle this anymore...
finally on with my frien and im really glad she is ok... we are both struggling and i really find it consoling when we can talk... we are so much alike in some ways its like we could be the same person... i guess this is because those of us with the ed really arent as different from each other as we may think or feel...
so while in the shower i was thinking - dangerous i know... anyway, i was thinking that in order for me to have 'safe foods' first i have to have permission to eat... right now if i eat anything - it automatically feels like a binge which results in purging... perfect example is that binge i had this am... i ate some pasta and some tootsie rolls... im not sure if what i ate qualified as just eating or as a binge - either way i purged...
i had planned to not purge - well i was debating it as i went up to my room but the overwhelming screams in my head just took over and i had to purge... the relief to my stomach was an awesome rush as it emptied... i felt like i was going to pop otherwise...
nearly 11am and i just havent done anything yet... im not sure honestly what i can do with this anxiety crushing me... it best get off soon or there won be anything left of me but squish!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
theres a hippo on my chest!
wed nov 16, 2011
340pm MOOD: ANXIOUS
well there really is not a hippo on my chest - but it FEELS like there is! i have so much anxiety right now! so... let me start with ANAD lastnight - it was ok but i was already anxious and triggered before i got there... i did manage to not bp again which was good... however the male psych was there and im always way more uncomfortable when he is there... since i had planned to 'play hookie' lastnight because i was in a place not good for dealing with issues i just didnt want to have that added anxiety... but i went since there is no meeting next week...
during the meeting they talked about a lot of stuff and i was there but i wasnt 'present' most of the meeting... meaning - i was dissociating and i think i was aware - im not even sure honestly... thinking about it now i know i was but lastnight im not sure if i knew... so i drove home after the meeting, showered and was so ready to sleep! i barely woke this am when the alarm went off and i felt so dam groggy from the melatonin - like it hadnt worn off yet since i had taken it so late...
got up this am and sent my 2 boys - oldest and youngest, off to school, middle stayed home 1 more day due to his leg surgery but he is going tomorrow... i hope he doesnt get bumped or knocked over... i went downstairs and waited for the 2 to get off on the buses and then went up to shower... i was still so tired i sat in there and i started to fall asleep until the bathtub bottom began to hurt my ass... i had been using a handtowel folded into 4-ths to sit on and give cushion but i think hubby threw it in the laundry so i just got out... i dried off, laydown and tried to sleep... i was exhausted and eyes wouldnt stay open but i couldnt sleep - so annoying! i finally got tired of trying and texted my friend on yahoo and turned the tv on to csi Miami and picked up the crocheting... i wanted to finish my sons blanket today so it was as good a time as any to work on it...
i came downstairs at 1115am because i knew hubby would be home about 1145 to have lunch... i made them - hubby and son, grilled cheese with ham sandwiches and a southwestern bean and veggie soup... he was very happy with his meal... i enjoy making him food and knowing it is healthy too...
then the issues started though... i was sitting at the table as he was eating and i was crocheting the blanket... i got up and sat on his lap because well sometimes i just do that lol... so im sitting there crocheting and he grabs my right thigh and says "what the hell? your legs are so skinny - its like only bone" i tried to ignore it then he says "i know youre not eating" and i said "yes i am!" so he says "well you arent doing anything to keep it in your body"... i got off his lap and sat back in the chair and changed the subject to his work day and when he sould be off... i asked if he wanted to watch a movie or do a family game night tonight too... a few min later he left back to work... im not sure but i felt like he was upset with me and will try to continue the conversation tonight - i hope not... im just not mentally or emotionally able to deal with this added shit right now...
so on top of my sons surgery, my husbands chest pains, my anxiety and dumb period... i talked to my mom via speaker phone the other day and well basically she told me she is dying and doesnt know how much longer she has... of course all 3 of my boys were sitting there talking to her with me and heard the whole thing... not cool... my middle is already really having anxiety separation since his surgery and after that conversation - he really seems to be worse... i just hope he makes it at school tomorrow...
today has been a fairly decent day as far as bp... ive not... ive had a bottle of diet green tea and a 28oz tumbler of tea i made in the pitcher here... im not triggered, not hungry and not craving... honestly im quite content within my gut right now... if that makes any sense!
i finished my sons blanket at around 3pm and had my oldest son take a pic of it with me holding it up. so here is the pic:
400pm now and my mood is feeling really anxious still... im about to go take an anxiety pill because this hippo is getting to heavy to hold... i think the hippo needs to go on a diet!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
o m g!!!
533pm today (well tonight) is tuesday nov, 15 - yikes no updates or checkins since the 10th - not good...
well here is what has been happening and y i havent been writting...
so 11th son had to be at hospital @ 615 am for surgery! we got there 6am seeing as there was a marathon and we were concerned of being trapped in traffic and being late... so we get him all checked in and wait to be called back... finally called back, he gets into a gown and a nurse comes to recheck paper work again and then tells him whats going to happen as she preps him... she gives him the iv and then shaves his leg where the incision will be made... next she tells him she will give him a shot of medication to make him a little sleepy and then he will be wheeled back, get the loopey gas and fall asleep... he is wheeled away - i nearly cry as he is still wide awake and we had been told we could be with him until he was asleep... his face turned blotchy - he was fighting tears as well...
once he was through the double doors dad and i are escorted back to the waiting room... freezing cold i decide on a cup of coffee and i add splenda... i then go further and put a dash of non-dairy creamer in it... it was so warm... felt so good... couldnt purge and right then i was just soaking the heat... i wound up having 3 cups all together before he was out of surgery... hubby ate a bagel with cream cheese and a scone from panera bread - courtesy of the hospital... i was just starting to work on his blanket when we were called back and he was waking up...
when i saw him he wasnt even moving... just breathing and rested... i said his name and kissed his cheek and he stirred it made me feel so much better i was the first he saw as he was waking and hid daddy too... after about 30 min of him really struggling to wake he was awake - sort of, dressed and ready to go - he was starving... he wanted golden corral and so thats where we headed... once there i got his food, got mine and well it ended up anoother day full of bp... i think 3? maybe only 2...
when we got home i lay in the bed and he lay next to me and asks his daddy to lay with us too... he is very cuddly right now and i think it was his being pulled away while still awake... idk... we get up and he takes some meds for his pain and he sleeps some more... poor thing i feel so bad for him... for dinner i was going to make pizza but we dont have any pitas so i decide on something else - scallopini with rice and veggies... he was happy but that was his second choice dinner... i promise ill get the pitas the next day and make his pizza then... when we go to bed, exhausted, i try to sleep but he wakes us every few minutes... between him and my lovely cold sore that i got that night - well the night was shitty...
sat am my son comes into the bed and asks can he lay with us... he is still feeling anxiety seperation i think even though he doesnt admit it... all day he worries about where his daddy and i are and whether he can sit or lay with us... we nap for a bit at one point and i just wait for him to wake before i got up...
my relationship has been anything but physical with hubby this past few days... neither of us has the energy and thats just how it is... he does hold me close before we go to sleep and it feels so safe i drift into a slumber only to be awoken by my son needing his meds in the middle of the night for the pain... oh well... sunday all day i baked cookies and did laundry - just caught some simple stuff up... we watched the last and final part to harry potter and deathly hollows pt II... and i worked on the latch hook , nearly finished it during the movie - which the movie was awesome!
monday comes and im really easily irritated... by EVERYTHING... i thought my period was coming like the 9th or 10th but it went away as fast as it came... who knows what is going on but monday im pmsing and im cranky... i still manage to do some things, made a nice dinner of baked chicken with cream of chicken soup and broccoli in it and then a pot of rice to pour it over... there was like nearly no left overs... bp has been aweful - completely terrible this entire weekend... lets see 3x saturday, sunday and again monday... i had the group also and it was really really triggering for me - the only way i made it was to bp before... while i was there i was able to crochet which helped the anxiety some... but when she asked me to share my story - no way! i am SOOOOOOO not ready for that!
i get home and hubby is already showered and had his hair cut and is ready for bed - wow its early too! we go upstairs, i take meds and change into sleeping clothes and lay next to him on the bed... he wraps his arm around me and pulls me close to him and we watched some silly tv for a bit before my meds make me start to drift off...
i wake at 430am to his alarm screaming at us and quickly fell asleep... my stomach hurts and im not happy... well what do u know? fucking period is here and its killing me! i take some pain meds and go back to sleep until i gotta get the boys off to school... then i go back to shower and hope it helps my dam cramping which at this point was doubling me over... hubby comes home and i had made him a bagel so he showered quick and went to eat before going back to work... he said hed be home for lunch so i tell him ill make him something...
was planning to go back to sleep but that didnt happen...instead i chat on the phone via yahoo with a good friend... she is very down today and i am also... it really helps when she and i talk - we have a lot of shit that we can each relate to the other... she decided on some not so good behaviors for today and i feel sad for her... i know this struggle all too well and i wish she didnt have to have it as well... me - im staying clear of that part though - i have enough issues im fighting dont need to add that back again...
we talk for a while then i get up, dress, make the bed and then decide to put away my laundry... while im doing that i also go through my clothes and pull out the ones that are just toooooo big and put them in a box in the hall closet... i dont plan to ever wear or fit them again - but im not sure i wanna get rid of them just yet either... what happens if i bloat up overnight and cant fit anything? it could happen... just sayin...
i come downstairs to prepare lunch for hubby... should be ready right at noon when he said he would be here... nope - he comes in at 1145 so the lunch is still cooking... grrrr.... i made him sandwiches with boneless ribs, grilled onions and pepper jack cheese on hoagie rolls... he was very happy with that lunch until i told him i wasnt eating when he asked me... so... yep i decided to bp - to keep him happy...
thought i could do no more today but i ended up doing that one and now ive not had anymore since...my weight had dropeed to 101 but then bloat today from period has me at 102.6.... im not happy - im triggered and i want it back down...
so i preparing to head out for anad... ill try to update more tomorrow....
Thursday, November 10, 2011
2x & counting but hopefully not adding...
1:07pm Thursday Nov 10, 2011
MOOD: aggrivated, anxious, nervous, triggered
so the title says it all - yep ive already bp 2x today - but that is so much better than the past 2 days!
i realize the past 2 days has sooo been my own fault... i could blame not taking my meds - but i made the conscious decision to not take them... i wanted to bp... i wanted to feel the emptiness and relieve my stress and fears for a little while... i didnt regret it then - but later in the evening i deff did...
so day before yesterday i dont know wha really went on - i cant recall too much... i think i went to old navy, i know i did the ANAD... it was pretty good... we really talked but we all left early and i found myself bp on the way there AND on the way home... this was a first and im not exactly sure what triggered the after time... it sort of freaks me out...
monday was the first support group for other issues and i know that totally had me triggered... i let it get me and i ended up purging there before i went in and then i was stressed and headachey when i got home - i didnt pay any attention to hubby and just wanted to sleep...
tuesday when i got home i accidentally woke him so then it was time for some attention and even though i felt gross i also needed that feeling of oneness for a bit... i just didnt light any candles or turn on any lights - i just didnt want to be seen...
well then yesterday i went to the hospital and had my sons pre-op dr appt... she filled out the paperwork and talked to him about what the procedure would be... she is really really nice (thats why i changed to her as their PCM now) and she settled a LOT of his fears... we went to walmart and target then chinese food for lunch - ugh... a buffet where i girged myself until i thought i was going to pop (which looking at what i ate - really wasnt that much but it was still too much for this person)... i purged and then we went to toys r us where i stayed in the van and he went in to price skateboards... next back to hospital and see cm...
seeing cm for 2 reasons - i needed her to fax the hospital paperwork over for his surgery... since i dont have a fax and she could do it free - i went that route... but also to see if my dr had responded back to her about my 2 questions 1. about a referral for my foot and 2. about the alcohol allowance...
well the dr still hadnt contacted her so she said she was going to go in this am and talk to the dr for me... i got a call at about 930am this am that the referral was in and i should get notification within 5-7 bus days and the alcohol allownce - well thats just a joke...
then we went to the px and he got his new skateboard and one for his little bro (they have been dog walking to earn the $ for it) and i got my vit c, mag and nac-600... then i bought sandwiches at subway to bp on and drove home... when we got home my youngest was so excited about the new board - he is just learning, and they rushed right out to board.... i continued to binge on my sandwhiches... roast beef for one and steak and cheese for the other - yum... ugh... then i of course purged... i was so exhausted i really needed to rest but i didnt... instead i came down and began preparing things for dinner... i made tacos and then my youngest and i made a cheesecake and baked brownies... there goes another bp...
when i went to bed lastnight i was so tired but i didnt feel like doing anymore bp which was really nice... i asked hubby to just hold me for a bit and that was relly nice but it always leads to the physical part which i didnt mind since we only lit 1 small candle and he could barely see my outline...
when the melatonin kicked in - i was out for the night... i only woke at 330am when i had to pee and again at 4 when his alarm went off - then i was out until my buzzer so rudely decided to sqwak! i got the boys ready for school and debated taking meds or go and bp on the cheesecake since lastnight it wasnt ready and i really wanted it... well i came down and ate cheesecake and cereal and bagel with cream cheese, purged, took meds and sat in the shower till the water was cold... i climbed out, toweled off and lay in the bed where i collapsed into a deep purge caused 'comoatose' sleep... when i woke i buzzed a friend on yahoo and chatted while i dressed and prepared to head out for a bit... i DID NOT want to bp anymore...
well that helped - talking to one of a few of my friends always does - or at least helps me hold off on behaviors a bit... i went to Old Navy and exchanged some pants, bought 1 more pr of jeans and another 2 sweaters then went to walmart... i got some koolaid packets - unsweetened and some diet lipton green tea then went to the comissary... i spent more than i meant to but it was all good stuff and we needed it... then i came home...
as im heading out the driveway of the com - hubby texts 'omwh 4 lunch' crap! so i get home and unload the foods, he comes in and makes his lunch and the proceeds to get me to also eat - this landed me in another binge which meant i again would need to purge... once i was done and purged i felt better and im not eating dinner - even if he pushes me... i dont care tonight...
so a few days ago a friend whom ive known for about mmm almost 2 yrs? she accepted my friend request back to fb and yahoo - im so glad, ive really missed her! ive kept up on her blog and always read her posts to my other friends fb pages... but she didnt want to be my fruend for a while - i think she really isolated from many people... i told her it was ok - i was always going to be here and when she was ready i would be waiting... so yay! we are back on talking and she was who helped me to not cave again this am...
so at old navy the other day, monday, i got 5prs of pants - 2 were yoga long pants from the girls section size 14! omg! i could not and can not believe they fit! i am wearing a pr now! they are really cute too so YAY! the other pants well one pr was so big i had to return for a smaller size and the others i didnt like how they fit... then i got 1 more pr and 2 sweaters from girls section as well... i really like the sweaters so awesome!and they were on clearance which of course was even better!
the weird feelings i was having - with the darkness and not able to breathe and stuff seems to have gone for now - thankfully cuz those were scary... but then yesterday something else started... like these headaches - which im used too... but then it was like everything was pulsing far and near in my head and sounds were like louder or quieter and words were like zooming in and out from the screen... i couldnt focus and i was really irritated... i actually smacked my head a few times to try and make it stop but it didnt help... it was weird... then this am it was gone but when i was at walmart it started again but went away really fast thankfully... i did not like the way it made me feel at all!
i also got really anxious while i was there and had the shakes... now im not sure what the cause was but i think i was afraid of caving to bp and thats what set me off... i just dont really know for sure... i dont plan to cave again though - i cant have anymore incidents like before - i NEED to kick BN out FOR GOOD!
so no therapy until the 17th... guess no cancellations today as i never got a call... oh well - im on my own to make this work... glad i have a few really good friends to 'call' on when i really need it...
i havent cut since the last incident - but i have wanted too... ive just really been fighting it... therapist said its because im turning to something else in response to giving up the bp... well cutting is not going to be the correct answer and i know this...
something else... ok so i was told im going to have to gain the weight back that ive lost since aug... well im NOT ok with this and was struggling to just hold the number i had gotten too... well i lost another lb... so now im only .02lb from my lowest which was in 04 when i was admitted on tube feed... i dont plan on ever doing that again but im also not planning to go back up... honestly - it excites and scares the shit out of me all at the same time... im so happy to have it dropping and not be doing it on purpose or trying, yet im scared to death - almost literally, to let it keep dropping because i cant guarantee it will stop and i dont know how i will cope if it keeps dropping... it makes me crave the lower digits and i want to be in a 2 digit weight so bad i can almost taste it - but yet i cant make myself lose any more... i feel like im in a way better place than 04 anyway because not abusing the lax like i was then and purging is under the 24+x i was doing then... this really causes some major conflicts and screamin arguments in my head...
i think im about finished for today... cant really think of much else to update as of right now... my oldest has his 16 next friday and my middle his surgery tomorrow... this is a massive anxiety, stress and trigger issue for me today... hoping i can fight and resist BN for the rest of the day...
Friday, November 04, 2011
exhaustion... more than just vitamin deficiency?
645pm 04 Nov, 2011
MOOD: smug? not really sure...
hmm im not really sure what im feeling but smug seems to fit the profile for now... what do i mean by this? well i was able to successfully avoid dinner however i did have another binge and purge before hubby got home for dinner... i ate some cereal with organic soy milk and a bagel with cream cheese... i purged and i was exhausted - hence my title... now there is an explanation that i will further detail next...
in session today i was talking about how i feel like im not anywhere near as bad as i was before and how i really dont feel i am in any danger or really that this is a problem - minus the purging... well my therapist (T) was saying that i am in danger and that just like then my body is starting to shut down... she said it will be small things and she was naming things... she said how i am always cold - freezing is the proper name i should say... and how it takes me forever to warmup is because my body is sending the blood to the core of my body to keep it going versus completely shutting down... the exhaustion is a sign of my heart struggling to keep up and thats why i have been and keep being so tired... i always just blame it on my iron deficiency and other vitamins... idk - i know she wouldnt lie to me and she wouldnt put me on but i still dont know how to feel what i know...
like i said above i managed to avoid dinner again... i baked chicken which i removed the skin and then sprinkled creole on it and sprayed with joy with flour cooking spray over it and baked it a little longer to make it sort of crunchy... next i made baked potatoes and some mixed veggies... a nice strong healthy meal for the fam... the baked chicken was 2 whole chickens which were $6 and we will get about 4 meals out of it... the dinner tonight, the lunch tomorrow and another dinner which i am making a soup like gnocchi but using potatoes rather than gnocchi... i am sure there will be some left after that for me to make omlets with chicken in it... anyway - not bad for $6 it was 65c a lb... really cant beat that price...
i still have not yet faxed my school papers in - yikes need to get that done! also need to fax my sons papers as they have to be there before the surgery friday... they have no school tues or friday...
sort of had a 'talk' with hubby via text... i told him i am really trying to do better... that i havent lost further weight and that my labs came back good... he said well u can manipulate labs... i know this but i still said i didnt and that i didnt want false info in my records hence the gown weights and always the first am apt available... he said everything must be in his head then... if he wasnt always so judgemental maybe telling him and sharing everything would be easier... i even told him it is really hard to maintain this weight or any for that matter when what i see i dislike to a point of hate... but that i am trying for him and the boys... he let it go after that... so i guess i sort of covered my goal - but i still have time to talk more with him if i get the backbone to do so!
tonight i would really like to do 2 things... i wanted to drink - i didnt know we didnt have any vodka left - guess hubby finished it and i didnt know grrr.... oh well still dont know how much i am 'allowed' anyway... that was another goal for Nov... i had to ask my dr what is the amount i am 'allowed' to have... that and also ask for a referral for my foot... i think im going to have to have that surgery whether i want to or not... ugh... so i did email my CM and ask her if she would email the information to the dr for me since that usually gets a much faster response... she did so now just waiting for the response - probably get that monday morning.... the 2nd thing i really REALLY want to do is cut... i am craving that silver kiss so badly right now... i just want to feel the sting as it embraces my skin and the seeping of the warm dropplettes of blood to the surface... idk if i will or not... i guess we will see... i had to contract with my T this am that i wouldnt... but im not even sure i can keep that contract...
so today - 2x bp and it is 7pm now... i dont feel like eating anything and i really dont feel like purging either...i think this a good thing... tomorrow im not sure what the day will entail... maybe sleeping in late (ya right!) and then cleaning... i really need to do a deep clean of the home as i have fallen behind lately with my lack of energy...
today i deff had more energy as i did yesterday - i know it was and is because i took my meds... im hoping tomorrow i wont have such an issue taking my meds.. i know i need them... why is it so hard to get myself to take them? i already know the answer i am just trying to ignore it - i know its ed... see i know if i take the meds - i wont be able to bp at least not right when i get up and then later if i bp i will really have to think about it... if i think about it it makes me more guilty for doing it but i still do it anyway - sometimes... so if i dont take them - i can come down and bp and not feel guilt or worry about purging my meds... also if i eat then noone says anything to me and i can purge... sometimes i do that and take the meds after but i am trying to just take the meds first thing in the morning so i dont bp at all... this is my goal... not someone elses goal - not a goal from my T - this is something i am doing on my own... however, if i miss my meds 1x more she said she will make sure my husband is the one who has to administer my meds - no thanx!
the wheels in my mind go round and round...
545 am Friday 04 nov, 2011 MOOD: disgusted, feels extremely morbidly obese, challenged...
what does the title mean? well ive neglected to take meds since like tuesday until yesterday... in fact i cant remember right now if i took them monday or not... yesterday i woke at 630am and went to weigh as im on the scale i pick up the meds which i was supposed to take tuesday still sitting on my meds box, and swallowed them down.. at least i had them now.. i only hope they work... im not sure why im having such a horrible struggle with getting myself to take the meds... i know they help - i think it is the disorder maybe self sabotaging me and i have to resist - so this morning i have already taken them... i didnt let myself think i just did it...
when i dont take the meds its like i have a free roam to just bp as much or as little as i want... surprisingly this past few days after not taking them i was still able to control and keep the bp to 3-4x each day... yesterday i took the meds and bp was 2x...and the 2nd one i really thought about before i did it... i ran errands and got some stuff done while debating if i really needed/wanted to do it... i even chatted via text with my friend from ANAD for a bit to help keep me from doing it... eventually i just couldnt fight any further and i gave in... then i made burgers for dinner and i decided im not eating this - i didnt want to purge again... my husband was not happy... he started in on me about his ability to count all the bones in my back without pushing down the shirt because they are just there... he said my hands dont lie when i wrap them around you and around your waste... i just tried o change the conversation and kept abut what i was doing... then he was like want me to prepare your bun for you? i had already said i wasnt eating and he was still pushing - i didnt cave though... i got everything done in the kitchen, all clean after dinner then went to the blanket which i am finishing the trim today and it is finally finished!
wednesday is sort of a blur for me? im not sure but i dont remember too much except getting up fairly late after a bp in the morning... then i went to shower and just couldnt hardly stay awake so i lay down and slept till like 130ish...i knew i was exhausted and purging - well, just makes it worse... so then i went to kenner and saw cm, then i headed down to the records area to show them my sons new id and finally i finished at the tricare center getting info on how to change my boys' dr... i left from there and was supposed to go to the sams and such but i was so exhausted... i went anyway to walmart, target and sams then finally home...
i bought 2 nice sweaters at walmart but once i got home decided i would be taking them back - they were not very thick and i need something to keep me warm not just be cute! so i got all the foods put away and so far had been without majpr bp - i had 1x in the am and then again while i was out... i didnt want to anymore but i had to still make dinner... so i did and i caved... later i caved again and had a bowl of cereal with some toast... so wednesday ended with 4x... this is all i remember of wednesday - dont even remember what the bp was just remember that it was 4x...
then yesterday when i got up i was determined i wasnt going to bp all day... i had to get this shit controlled... well i took the meds at 630am... boys on the bus i went back to sleep for a bit... i woke and then it hit - the craving and i knew my meds had already absorbed so i bp... i showered and laydown exhausted and slept until noon! when i wkoke i was highly triggered and i wanted to purge - i wanted the feeling of numb... i quickly dressed and texted my hubby - no not getting a lunch break today so i left... i headed first to staples, then walmart, goodwill... i was still wanting to purge and i finally just said fuck it and i did... i had golden coral... then i headed home - i felt numb and also the voices had quwelled once i purged... i felt a peace for a few minutes...
i got home it was already almost 4pm... i pulled all my new sweaters out and washed them and then i put them away... im so glad they all fit! i was worried because they look so small and i thought they were going to be too small but i didnt feel like trying them on at goodwill - i knew that would trigger me more...
after i finished with the sweaters i came to my room and started updating my notebooks and finished my goals for this month... it was 537pm and i realized i still hadnt even cooked the dinner yet! i closed everything up and ran downstairs, hooked up the indoor grill and started throwing the stuff together, slicing and cutting as quickly as i could - but hubby came home and the first burgers were still on the grill... grrr... oh well - means when it was done he would still get a hot meal not one he had to reheat.... i finished cooking and then everyone was done eating so i cleaned up then went to work on the blanket... it is nearly done im finishing the trim today and then my son can have it to sleep with - he was so happy about that lastnight! i will start another today for my middle son...
as ive said ive taken my meds already today, have session at 10am so i plan to head to the whole foods, farmers market and then martins before i go... then i will come home... im not planning to have anything today except my tea i made to bring with me... i really want to just clean this system of mine out and try to kick BN once and for all...
at ANAD on tuesday there was a question asked to me by D... the moderator... she asked if i want the team to step in - to take over have the control and i told her no... i dont... i really dont... even now as im typing this i can honestly say i dont...but there is a part of me that feels like if they dont - im not going to be able to stop... even with their support im not doing a great job - in fact ive been epically failing for the most part... i may not want it but im also afraid itmay just have to happen and it really scares me..
i made my goals and one i have that i decided on is going to be a very challenging one for me... i have decided somehow to fill my husband in (to an extent) on the ANAD and what exactly it is for and why im going... im also trying to figure out a way to tell him about the purging etc... and just ask him to be here for me and not keep pushing... when he does it just makes me feel like i am obligated to eat which means i have to purge... i need to be able to eat without the purging and when im feeling badgered pr pushed into eating - the purging must follow... i want to make my meal plans and find a way to get myself to follow them... i did it before - i was able to safely eat some foods but only managed 13 days before i went back to BN... 13 days though! i cant even seem to make it through one now so i willbe even happy with one day then two then three and keep adding... eventually i know i can be BN free...
heres something else... i was talking to a friend online and text when i realized something... i am very very happy to give up BN - i dont want it in my life andymore... but when it comes to AN as much as i know it is unsafe and unhealthy - im not so sure that everyday im 100% wanting to get it out of my life... i feel secure with it - like i know im not blowing up and my clothes will still fit later that night... and other days i really wish i could get rid of all of it...first things firts though - one thing at a time and im tackling BN first... it is the worst. it is nasty, gross, smelly, dangerous and well im sick of wasting food and money to be honest... so ya - BN is first then i will take the next steps in this journey called recovery...
620am now, i guess i am off... need to get sox and shoes still and finish helping the boys get ready for school... hubby said he would be home for breakfast and i said id make him something... he had to get up at 1112pm because some dumb soldier went and got himself in trouble and was at the MP station waiting to be picked up... he didnt get home umntil 223am and then had to get up at 450am for work... i know he is exhausted and i feel so bad for him... he has a very long day today too and will be working very late... i plan to be here at least at lunch to see him because neither of us knows what time his mandatory function will be ending...
650 am MOOD: sour, frustrated, anxious, irritated
i guess you can tell my mood has quickly gone south for the morning... yep thats what happens when i dont take meds like im supposed to for a few days - i either cycle or start to... i hate this - but its my own fault...
so my husband ccame home and i made him breakfast... wearing one of my new tops which i really like... i have with my newer black pants as well and i asked if he thought it looked ok... not whether he liked it because thats a trap for him and i know that now... he proceeds to grab the waist of the pants and yank them up high and i yelled at him - dam! i yelled... wtf he think im Urkle or something! i dont wear my clothes to my dam chest thanx! not only that but hello - thats how pants are made these days!...
so he then has an attitude and grabs all his things nd comes to give me a kiss - straight faced as hell he says im leaving... u know why im mad... then he says i hate seeing u like this - i know u say and hold to ur ground with what u say but i know my eyes dont lie... then i asked if he would be here for lunch - he says idk... then just leaves... ok so then fuck me... i was honest with him - i have NOT lost further since my last loss... it has been the same what a week? two now? i dont even know and its really frustrating me!
i want to lose more and more.. he doesnt know how hard it is for me to not just keep pushing to lose more... i would but i made a contract to not try to lose more - to try and maintain where i was... this is what im fighting to do right now - it hasnt gone lower at all... as much as i would love for it too - am fighting myself to keep me from trying to lose more... im sorry he doesnt like to see me like this - i dont like to see me at all... im trying to change and do better - but im only able to go so fast and do so much! im scared to death of the food and the gain... i have no issue eating when im able to purge - thats not a problem... its if i am not able or not allowed - food petrifies me to the point i will and have in the past passed out...
the oddly funny thing is everyone says BN doesnt make you underweight or thin and you dont really lose weight from it... interesting i think seeing as i dont keep shit down and ive been losing... oh but wait! the day before yesterday i was at farmers foods (i think it was wed) anyway they had freshly cut sweet strawberries out for sampling and i took 1/4 of a small one and ate it.. i felt so guilty! i wanted to run into their bathroom and spit it out or eat something else so i could purge - but i didnt... so ehhh... ya it was only a piece but it was more than i normally would have done - especially with fruit, the sugars and carbs yikes! guess i need to go... boys are off to school and i want to leave before i decide to let this trigger from my husband get to me and i bp...numb would be so nice right now!
150pm MOOD: sour, triggered, failed to epic proportions...
so what does this mean? well i went to session and i really did intend on telling her about the cutting but i just could not get the courage to do so until like 5 min or so before session was over... well i guess at least i told her right? so the hard thing now is i dont have an apt next week because my sons surgery is scheduled the same date/time-ish... she put me on her cancellation list so if she gets someone who cancels she will call and offer me the spot... i dont want to sound cruel but i hope someone does because i dont think i can wait 2 weeks to go back then have thanksgiving the week after... this month is going to be one of the most challenging i think...
i feel like this battle is already lost... im not sure if i want to stay standing and continue to fight or not... like i told her today - im selfish in that i dont want to share my boys or my hubby with anyone else - thats what keeps me from completely giving up...
so as im leaving her office i am triggered - i was when i got there and i had been fighting it... i finished the blanket but i had nothing else to do and i just wanted to purge... im not sure why seeing as all it does is make me feel more gross and disgusting and huge... but i did feel that way and i had since i had gotten up... the conversation with hubby just had escalated those feelings and then session... i knew what i was getting into when i went today - i knew i was going to be challenging myself to make it through with all the voices and screaming i had in my head... i was able to explain some of it to my therapist - others well they just got louder and louder and i finally caved... i had bought some snack bars and i ate them as i drove home, then i had a burger and about 5 chips and purged... im done for today. im sickened by my body and my behviors and it disgusts me that i let BN win again today - but it was 1x so i am fighting for no more!
so hubby forgot his phone when he went back from lunch... i knew he would be coming to get it so i ate my food carefully where i could view the road if he drove up... i hid the food so he wouldnt see it if he did come before i had finished... well i saw him pull up so i closed the chips and began prepping the chickens to put in the oven... when he came in my phone had lit and it was a pic of someone showing how much weight she had lost... yes i know - im not supposed to look at that stuff but u know what? i need to try and see what these people look like at the weights they are and the heights... if i can see them as thin, tiny or skeletal - maybe it will let me see me that way? does that make sense? so i do not look thin to me at all... i look huge and like an enormous whale...i am 5'9" and about 46kg... so if i can find a pic of someone my height and same weight and see what i think of them - maybe i can start to see me that way too? idk - i guess i was just trying... anyway he says oh thats just great when he sees the pic... i said it was an email that i had opened and i didnt know what it was... honestly i thought i had closed out of the pic i was looking at because i didnt see what i needed anyway... the pics dont trigger me or enable or even encourage me... a lot of times i look just to see if i can see myself in them and so far i do not... but i rarely look anyway because i am trying to get better... if i keep looking at those - i will keep wanting to see me as i want to be and that isnt going to help me...
heres the thing - i honestly do not know what i want to see or what i want to be... i just want to find myself happy in this skin and not constantly wish i could climb out of it into someone else with a much better body... i dont think id want to like give up my life - i love my family - my hubby and boys so i wouldnt give them up - just a new body. one that is not fat, has no cellulite and idk - i just like,.. i guess i would need to know what that was though wouldnt i? so even now - how will i ever know what im really looking for if i dont know what i am really wanting...wow thats confusing to say the least!
ok - finished the blanket and my baby will be so excited when he comes home! i need to start the next one and read a book - those are 2 of my goals for the month of Nov. also i would like to go out and do something - like socialize with friends other than treatment oriented... ie with C to teach her to crochet... im not sure it will happen seeing as we are both not very social anymore - but we can try... i really REALLY need to get my school papers faxed - this is no joke! i cant keep waiting! i also need to get the app for michaels arts and crafts done and in so i can at least get seasonal hours... something to help really structure my time... even if it is only 2 months - it will be enough to help get me off the bp cycle and maybe just into restricting... i dont think my eating would go normal - it never has before but when i used to work many yrs ago i was able to eat 1x a day and most days keep it down... even if i can do that again it would be massive progress!
so tired... think i need a nap - dam purging really exhausts me... i have chicken in the oven baking... gonn try to make some type of chicken potatoe soup like gnocchi but with potatoes instead and see how it turns out... i think ill do that tomorrow... tonight will be chicken with baked potatoes and dinner rolls with maybe green beans or corn... something healthy and warm for such a dark, nasty, dreary day... off for now...
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
halloween bust...
1045am 01 Nov, 2011 MOOD: depressed, stressed, anxious, procrastinating
so let me see - halloween was not the best for me... i started off by having to take my middle son to the ortho specialist for a tumor on his left lower thigh... the specialist looked at his xrays from Aug and ones from even longer back than that and then came and checked his thigh... apparently the tumor has gotten way larger even since Aug so they have to remove it... he is doing the surgery next friday the 11th and then they are sending to biopsy... the specialist said most likely it should not be cancerous but because it keeps growing he is not sure... it started as a what looked like a gliche in an axray 4 yrs ago but was on his growth plate so they couldnt do anything... now look what has happened... so he is saying this and my son 14, is sitting there and suddenly gets very serious... we head out and we get into the van and he tells when i ask that he is very scared... the rest of the day - he released this fear through anxiety and total assinism - meaning he was totally being an ass... he got grounded at the end of the night when dad and i just said ok thats enough... we had talked to him, recognized his fears and quwelled them as best we could. now all we could do was be patient and wait for friday... i still expected him to be upset - i still am, but i also expect for him to behave - he knows how to vent appropriately... (like mother like son????)
anyway, then comes the ToT... we decided finally just to stick to our neighborhood and we got all dressed up... i was very frustrated when i finally found my 'lost' costume, a girls size XL = 16, and it was too big! i was supposed to be a queen vampire - well the costume made me look like i had a head and there was a straight shape down.... i found belt to one of my old gowns that was red and black - perfect match and my husband tied it on me - much better now it gave me a waistline... maybe ill send the pic here later - im not sure yet...
my boys had to make their costume or use items they already had if they wanted a costume - i refused to buy any this year... my middle made a custume of a like half dead half live person? a character from his ps3 game assassins creed brotherhood... my youngest had an ACU (army camoflauged uniform) from last year that still fit so he wore that and his dad gave him his vest to wear which holds like the ammo mags and canteens and some artillary safety glasses... he tried to wear the cevlar(sp?) (hard had) but it was just too heavy after 10 min he took it off... my oldest wore his Greek costume from his school project last year and hubby wore his ACU's with a box that had a hole cut out the top and bottom... a paper on the front said 'free kittens' and when someone would look in he would do his screetchy cat meow and grab with his hand... my oldest then gave a treat from our candy bag we brought... he does it every year and my boys and him never get tired of it!
as we are walking... maybe 10min in - it starts to rain not drizzle anymore - but rain... grrrr... then it got worse... after 1 hr i couldnt take anymore and i said time to go in... i was so cold! i even had leather special fancy gloves and a black trench coat on and i was still frozen - my hands were still so cold that through his shirt my husband said my hands were freezing his skin off - yikes!
the day ended - i bp 3x... blah - i had my meds in my pocket but never took them - im not sure why... still now i havent again and i really am not sure why im not wanting to take them - i am taking them with me though and at the hospital when i go talk to cm - i will take with a water bottle...
so i think thats all for today - i am so exhausted... weight 102 and i am having some lightheadedness today... i had a few times already where i just had to stop what i was doing because something just didnt feel quite right... then it went away and i was good... idk i hope this shit doesnt keep going on...
have ANAD tonight, my chatting buddy wont be there and im sad... but i plan to wear funky sox and to take my crocheting... i need to finish this blanket!!! well off till later - tons to do and very very little time!
545pm MOOD: disusting, frustrated, angry feels like just being done...
so the day didnt quite work as planned and i never did take those meds... they are in the bathroom sitting on the med box hopefully i can get myself to take them tomorrow... the blanket didnt get done - ill work on it before ANAD... i dont feel like dealing with people tonight but im going to go anyway... some how i have to defete this fucking shit and if its one toe crawl at a time and ANAD is one of those crawls then i must go...
anyway - ill update tomorrow as this day needs to be done... ive got the dinner (leftovers) for everyone and i just plan to leave at 615 for the meeting then ill have plenty of free time to work on the blanket... its been so long since i have im not even sure i remember how!
