7:21am
Mood: OVERWHELMINGLY ANXIOUS

Oops! Ok so i meant to make a post with the mood but pushed the wrong button! So ill merge them later...

Anyway so wtf is wrong with me?? I am so overwhelmingly anxious this am - i do not understand y?
Ya i have therapy session @ 11 but this anxiety is well - WOW bad! Ugh!
So weight this am...112!

So sometimes mag can work like a lax or at least get things workin that way so i took extra lastnight...after my posting weight i bp and yep - it worked...

So then i reweighed and down to 111. 6! I am almost to the 110 but i feel good so i think i might go further...maybe 105 and see how i feel and look.. right now i still look WAY fat!

So while binging i took a drink of ice cold sugar free lemonade and the ice got in my borken wisdom tooth...now it really hurts and giving a headache...

Omg! I really f*cked up! I sent a short blog post to my husband via text instead of blog! Shit! Oh well we will see what comes of it. My scale 112.2 dr 112.5

I am sooooo happy right now! My dr said my short term goal is to get my iron up and my purging down even more...she said i can be the low weight if i do through exercise...yes! She didnt say i cant lose more either!

a too long anxiety provoking day...

10:15am
MOOD: ANXIOUS

well sometimes....it just seems people dont understand the things they do or say can really hurt those around them - directly and indirectly...

so i went to ANAD lastnight and it was not very beneficial for me except the lady that heads the group is a nurse and was able to explin my labs to me that i didnt know what they meant... so other than that, well the group was mostly for one other lady and a new girl who just moved to the area 2 weeks ago...i gave some feedback on the use of melatonin for a natural sleep agent but other than that - for me it was nothing more than an anxiety provoking ordeal which included a round-trip of 1.5hr driving...i got home and i just wanted for my husband to hold me, he hugged me for a bit and it was really nice... i really needed the conforting for a while...i felt disgusting and like i was grotesque to him but he wuldnever say that out right...

when we wre going to sleep he starts talking about how they have magazines for too thin supermodels so the should make one for obese people with kankles too...i told him to stop he was gong to give me nightmares - that vision is really horrific and scare for me...he kept on so i finally turned away from him and pretended to be asleep until he stopped...i was so petrified to go to sleep and mostly just tossed and turned with bad visions and horrible thoughts screaming in my head... they wouldnt stop...when i finally did fall asleep it was quite restless and i was exhausted and did not want the day to start...

i went to the bathroom and peed then stripped to weigh and to my surprise i was down to 113.8! i was down.02lbs from yesterday! yay! i know you all are probably saying ummm its only .02 of a lb but hey - anything down, for me, is ALWAYS better when it comes to my weight!

so today is the meeting with the addictions counselor and my 15.5yr old son is going with me - i think he will really enjoy the learning experience... Lord help me to be honest with the therapist about my binge drinking lately - ugh!

tomorrow is my Dr appt - this is what i am VERY ANXIOUS about... so nervous... wish my weight was down to 110 as i dont want to be held accountable to maintain anything higher - i guess we will see what happens right???

so i guess im going for now and ill post more later if i can...

5:42pm
mood: ANXIOUS, NERVOUS WORRIED
so i went to my appt this am after i went to michaels and returned something, the thrift bakery bread store and got lots of bread type foods, then CVS, goodwill and family dollar...at the appt the therapist asked what i wanted to cover this session and i said how addictions work in the brain etc... the basics but deeper into them with more detail... so he went over a lot of stuff and my son was so engrossed in the information - he learned a lot he said... we came home and unfortunately i b/p for my 2nd time today - i was not happy with myself but was feeling way better when i got done... here is the confusing part though... i weighed in bra and panties right after and my weight was down further to 112.8??? idk but i will take it! the lower the better!

i laid down on the bed for about 30min and was reading the news on cnn.com on my phone and looked at some pics on the t-mobile entertainment link... i finally got up, made my way downstairs and prepared for dinner... i made grilled ham, geen beans and rolls...

i also took some pics of myself and for the memory for me and to prove to myself my weight i am going to add a few of them here later... idky i feel like i need to post these to prove to those who think im a fake - but for some reason it is really bothering me...so to ease my mind...i think im going to post them - but only a few...

so lastnight i took a pic and sent to my husband - i cant add it here because it shows my face. however, later i was looking at the pic and saw for the first time ever how small my arms looked... i can put my bangle all the way to my elbow!

i got a text from my hubby earlier and it made me nervous and sad... he said he is having a very crappy day... bad days for him at work usually escalate into confrontation with me about my issues when he gets home... great... so then he texts and says 'y r u losing more weight? u have more bones showing now'... yikes!... so i told him im still about the same - with a 2lb variance depending on the time of day... im not sure if he will accept that answer but i guess ill find out when he gets home later right?

i was thinking earlier about my eating disorder and i feel like i want to get rid of it but at the same time - the fear to let go is so prominent that letting go is too scarey sometimes... at the same time people always tell me 'u can always go back if u dont like recovery' but here is the thing... recovery is scarey... ED is a bitch and if i leave it - coming back may not be an option OR worse - i come back and it gets me with a vengeance... either way - i dont like the end result and im not sure which is worse or which is worth more to do...

as of right now - i am going to keep pushing to the recovery journey... i know the hope is going to be very dim at some times and at other times may seem higher... right now the hope is dim... but it is still hope...

i want to say i have a goal for my future and i guess for right now - my first and most important goal is to start taking care of me... this SOOOOO hard... i have the worst time trying to be nice to myself and taking care of myself in a proper and positive manner...the self-hatred and loathing as well as the self-harm, thats the easy stuff for me to do but i know i have to stop...

with my regular therapist we are working right now on things that trigger me - both for the ED and for other forms of self-harm, such as the cutting and bruising - even the binge drinking... the worst of this is that right now -EVERYTHING is a trigger... somethings are more triggering than others but triggers are triggers and sometimes one trigger attatches to another etc and then it all gets worse... then comes the chain reaction with the negative coping behaviors... these i am trying to change...

i decided i would eat a small amount of the ham tonight as then when my husband asks my boys if i ate and they can tell him yes... i did purge which really sucks but now... its really odd because the scale is reading even lower? i know its not the batteries - i replaced those this am... so i wonder if it is accurate now and the anxiety from it is killing me... i suppose i will find out tomorrow right?

i keep losing phone signal... for now i must go as my husband is on his way home and the blog/online journal - its a no-no to him because he doesnt like me telling strangers about my life when i dont tell him everything... the HUGE difference is that i do not give a f*ck who judges me online and its easier to write than talk... with him - i worry about what he thinks and how this will hurt him if he does know...so i tell him some - as much as i feel comfortable with and as much as i feel like wont cause him to terribly much worry. he has tons to worry about already - he doesnt need me added to it...

a new start?

ok - so adding to the LONG post from a few minutes ago...
let me say i have removed some things which i consider to be 'pro-ana'... i cant have the weightloss ticker and fat pictures staring back at me everytime i login to blog... i need to have something positive to work on and into recovery... so on top of this, i also decided that rather than just delete this blog - i will have a fresh start from today... i am posting the journey i am on and have taken to get into recovery...

i know there are a lot of posts in here which can be triggering - but you know what? im not deleting them because they were raw and honest from my mind, heart, and soul in regards to my life, my ED and how i am doing or not doing... it doesnt matter anymore what anyone thinks... maybe someone thinks im a 'fraud' or that i 'dont really have an ED' - tell that to my Dr's please! or maybe someone judges me as a 'fake' towards recovering - well FUCK - U then!

i am going to get my recovery ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... it doesnt matter anymore how long it takes - as long as i DONT GIVE UP! just because someone can stop b/p cold turkey - doesnt mean everyone can - and i have not been able to... i have made progress for the most part, reducing my # of x's per day to 3 or less but somedays are worse and somedays are better...

one of my goals is im trying to determine what might be safe foods for me and how to go about being able to keep them down - not letting them trigger me into b/p or even just into purging... somedays i make it through and other days i wish i would just fall asleep and never wake up...

i have researched and asked for natural supplements to help with the cravings to purge and i am taking something for that... i am taking my prozac religiously although i do sometimes forget and wind up b/p before i take it... but when i do take it i find i have way more control over MIA than i do when i do not take it...

maybe someone reading this feels like laughing at me - i dont care - people laugh and talk about me all the time - i feel like the laughing stock from the ANAD group because i am the fattest one there but it doesnt matter - i need to be there... whether i fit in or feel uncomfortable is besides the point, these are MY steps to recovery...

for today i feel down and depressed but at the same time - i feel hope... maybe i really can find recovery i just have to keep fighting and keep walking the path wrong turns, falls and all - until i get to the end of the journey which holds recovery.

so in the end of this journal log, i realize how much i am really hurting as a result of people discarding and deleting me from their lives... i realize im not perfect and i never said i was - i never will be but i strive to be the best i can... i feel like my best is not good enough and that people are judging me for this - it really hurts and i dont like the feelings at all... i wish i could just not care...just delete those people from my life like they have me from theirs... instead i DO care about them and i wait on the sidelines listening/reading their blogs or journal posts and keeping up with their successes and struggles hoping someday they may befriend me again...

am i really such a horrible person i do not deserve any friendship? i must be - as i have none... ED has taken everyone from me. Well, and those he hasnt i guess their ED has taken them from me... so alas ED has me alone, isolated and fighting this battle... i know i will make it through some day - no matter the pain and sadness i take along the road, or the hits from those recinding their friendship; either way - i have to make it....
im done with venting. im feeling extremely sad and alone... im off for now and well ill try to write some more tomorrow...

a much needed update... and well a VENT!

ok well so let me start with the simple stuff - im still fat, im still struggling and im still looking to my ED for happiness yet trying to delete him from my life and journey into recovery... simple right? NOT!
so i had a friend - rather someone i thought was a friend, and because i was not making my way into recovery fast enough she deleted me from her life??? ok - her choice - but it really hurt... how can a person with an ED judge another person for their speed of recovery??? i dont understand that...

i have made my story clear in a post near the beginning of when i started my blog... i started with ANA when i was 5yrs old and i just turned 37... ok- so lately i have really been fighting with mia... it is NORMAL for a person with an ED to go between and back/forth to ANA or MIA... for me i was strictly ANA then i started purging at age 14 and it was intermittent purging in my life... mostly i was restricting with the purging through vomitting and over exercise and laxatives... i passed out at school a few times and was escorted by the school narks to the office and sent home with a 'flu' a few times when really it was caused from laxatives and dehydration...

how can a person with an ED - no matter how long they have had it, doubt another person with an ED especially someone with a history??? i have been admitted numerous times for potassium and hydration iv's... i have endured treatment stays 5x's and am still currently AMA to being admitted right now... how can someone judge then whether i am being honest or not about my size or my weight?

so to make ME feel better... my weight check this am was 113.6lbs however after drinking water and green tea it was up to 114.2lbs but fully clothed in jeans and a shirt with a 11yr olds belt - i was 115... so u decide whether i am worthy of judging and worthy of being called a fraud or a fake - which in a sense is what i feel i have in 'not so many words' been called...

to be honest i dont care who thinks i am 'fake' or a 'fraud' - y should i have to prove myself to anyone? i dont - i KNOW i am for real and i fucking hate this ED so much - it is taking everything and everyone from me... im trying to get better and showing someone how 'sick' i am is not going to help me get any better.... u can choose to believe me or not - i dont care...

so lets see...back in the beginning of June i started seeing my therapist again - with a few rules:
i have to do a type of PhP which we created since there are none available in my area that my ins will cover. this meant finding 2 additional services every week on top of seeing her... she told me what she deemed acceptable and then i had to agree to it, i also had to sign a medical contract that states i will follow ANY and ALL treatment reccommendations made from my treatment team... this part im not so comfortable with but i needed to get back into therapy - i feel i have more control over MIA when i am seeing my therapist and am being held more accountable....

so my additional services have since included seeing an addictions therapist to educate me and support me in addictions - assuming that MIA can be deemed a type of addiction as well as my sudden binge drinking rampages ive been having... need to nip that and fast... the last service is ANAD... i FINALLY found a group somewhat near here for support! it is every tuesday night from 8-9pm and i have to drive 45min one way to get there - but if it helps its worth it!

so far i feel like the addictions part has been really helpful and ive really actually enjoyed the education... the ANAD has been a little challenging to say the least... i feel like i am being ccombatted head on by ED and he doesnt want to let go - not even an inch... going to these groups is admitting i have an ED and that i cant do this alone if i really want to get better... ED, well he keeps pulling those chains that bind us, telling me its all lies and that i need to not go... so far i have combatted back and refused let him win - ive gone to all 4 meetings since i found out about them...

the third meeting was really triggering for me as the 2 younger girls (17 and 21) were totally talking about laxatives and sneaking away at work to purge and having brownies etc... (all this was discussed before the meeting @8)... i eventually had to get up and go to another area until the meeting started because i was really getting triggered BAD... i also feel like i am the fattest one there and like i dont need to be going because i just dont fit the criteria... my therapist says that is not true and it is ED lieing to me like he has so many times before... but sometimes well idk...

so last week was another triggering week for me... i was really dissociating a LOT and the leader was a MALE... i am really uncomfortable with male therapists, Dr's etc... i just dont feel comfortable sharing my issues with them... my therapist says this is from my past abuse and it will get easier - idk... so yesterday i made a trip to the lab - dam vampires always stealing my blood! and later i went to my case manager (cm) to get the results... they were some ok but some really bad... my K was 4.4 (probably all the supps i took friday - sunday!) and my magnesium was 2.0 (i have been taking 3x the prescribed amount for 2 months now!) my protein was low normal and had dropped substantially from my last labs... the iron is where the concern mostly is... it was super super low... it only went up .01 for absorbtion in my blood... from  a 4.3 to a 4.4% - yikes! for me this is really scarey seeing as the Dr's think the low iron is what caused my seizure in 2009... and for some reason this time my glucose was even low??... not substantially low but low enough to raise a flag and warrant a follow-up call from my Dr's nurse to make sure i keep my 730am appt thursday... just grand.... i dont even understand how or y it was low... i had eaten (although i did purge it all) on sunday and the labs require a 12hr fast... i had fasted just at 12hrs when the blood was drawn...so i am not sure what this means... just what i need - another problem to handle...

my Dr appt on thursday i have to do a weight check - ugh... the thing is i also have to sign another medical contract with her that states what my 'short term' goals are in recovery as far as the medical side goes... my therapist suggested that i agree to maintain whatever the weight is when i check-in on thursday or to gain a little but i am not allowed to go lower or that will deem immediate hospitalization... yikes - i do not like that at all! i would like to have a super low weight on thursday for this reason - that way i dont have to worry too much about losing - my goal is just 110 for now... i know i wont like that weight and i will still be fat... but i would rather have that be my lowest allowed over 113 or 114.... im just not sure the dr will go for it... she was pissed last time i had a weight check and was 112... thankfully i had waterlogged that weight check cuz i was down to 108!

the good part to all of this is i have resisted laxatives - although the cravings have been there and also been able to hold back with cutting although i have self-harmed in other ways such as punching myself until i had bruises on my ribs and it even hurt to breathe... but hey - one thing to tackle at a time right? small babysteps or shuffling it doesnt matter as long as i go forward... when i get knocked to my ass - i dust off and get back to a fighting position ready to go again - fight another round... just like in Martial Arts - i dont give up and i fight to WIN!