it just gets harder...

i wanna say things have been wonderful and that my life has gotten better - but that would be a page full of lies so i wont do that...
since my last post things have not improved in fact at some levels it has only gotten worse... let me start with presidents day - no clue what i posted from then but all three of my kids were home sick... well the oldest wasnt sick but was an optional school day for him and only half day so he didnt go... the other 2 well they were sick... my youngest vomitted so no school then the middle same thing... well then that night the youngest got a low fever - great no school tomorrow i guess... we got up and he was on fire - his temp nearly 102... gave him motrin and called the apt line for dr... got him in and they tested for strep - negative its just a virus... if it gets worse bring him back... i hate having sick kids - it is SOOOO triggering for mia! yep - she won... i dont even know how many times or what i just remember i bp over and over... so exhausting and didnt get my homework done... the next  morning i take him back to the dr because i cant keep the fever down... everytime i give him the meds (tylenol and motrin) as soon as the time hits 4hrs the fever spikes again - this is not normal... the clinic says they dont do walk ins come back at 11 for an apt so its 930 and he is hungry... i decide to go to golden coral as he can eat anything he wants that they have and will have a variety to select from... he eats 3 bites of a salad and 3 bites of a donut... says his stomach and head hurt and he doesnt feel good again...he starts shaking - great fever coming back... so i take him to the dr its almost 11 by then we go in and they take his temp 101.9 so i give him the tylenol...the dr checks his ears throat etc and sends us to xray - he hears something in the lungs... great... so we get the xrays and he is so wobbly and shakey he cant even hardly walk he has to be held up so he nurse gives us a wheel chair... i lean over to kiss his cheek and he is burning... we get to the clinic and i request a recheck on his temp - its been nearly an hr the tylenol should be working by now... the nurse takes the temp and its gone up rather than down! it is inow 103! she rushes in to the dr and then back with an order for motrin... the dr comes in a few min later and says after reading the xrays he has bronchitis again... i knew something was wrong - a child doesnt get a fever that high for no reason! he prescribes some motrin and antibiotics and we go sit to wait at the pharmacy... a bit later he takes his jacket off - he is sweating, the fever is breaking... we get the meds and he is hungry - i have to go to the store so we get chinese and he actually EATS! this is the first he has eaten in several days i am so happy! i get home and the night is full of bp... i am so stressed out and cramping bad - my period came on this am and i am hurting and craving... i cant seem to stop eating and purging on top of i have a huge assignment to finish... i will just try to stop again tomorrow...
well when thursday comes i am full of bp again... it is so triggering... i wish i could just not eat dam it! i have no idea what happened this day - i dont remember except it was full of bp and a sick kid... friday came and went the same except i planned to not bp... i was set even had a shake in the am to hold me off from caving but it didnt work that way... i went to get my sons makeup work at school and it went from one trigger to another... the worst part was i didnt even want to eat or to purge - i forced myself to do it... i think it was 3x all together...
then today... well i got up at 9 and my son has no fever yay! finally! however my stomach is in knots and i just dont feel well... i force myself up anyway and head to gnc to try to get the new detox from bethenny funkel... they dont have it and i start to feel triggered but i dont let it get to me and head to the g. store to pick up a few items - flavored water bottles, cooking oil, toothpaste, deopderant, sugar free vanilla syrup for my coffee and a few other things i cant recall right now... i didnt get any bp stuff at all - i was good! i get home, put away the groceries and come back to my room... i throw on my sleep clothes and climb back in my bed... my stomach is tearing up and i feel really sick - mouth watering and dizzy but i refuse to give mia the upperhand... im taking back my body from her - she needs to find some other patsy! i talk to my friend a bit, we r bth battling today to be free of mia, and then my hubby and i fall asleep whilst reading... when i wake - the miralax i had taken lastnight seems to be kicking in and i stumbled to the bathroom and back to bed... i swallow 5 gulps of my iced (now room temp) coffee and lay back down... slowly my stomach is settling and im feeling a little more awake... by now it is 3pm and i know i need to drink water - but im scared it will trigger me and let mia through my tightly closed doors so i opt for nothing... i just lay in my bed reading blogs, watching vlogs and threads from fgg forum... some of the things these girls post irritate me so bad... like they think ED is just some game, a diet - a life style and its not! its a dam illness and i wish it would go away!
anyway, so im laying here talking to my friend and my son comes in - he is feeling sick again great - but at least no fever... he goes downstairs and next thing i know he is asleep - poor baby... i cant let this trigger me though! i chug some water - the first of the day and its ok but i feel like i need to bp... im trying hard to resist but its not going so well! my son comes in - my oldest and says the dinner is done come eat.... grrr how to escape this! he knows ive not had anything today... looks like mia wins again... fu*k me - i suck!

update for this President's day...

well ok... lets see last week my weight had gone way up - i binged and purged on pizza and diet soda and it went to 126 - i about lost my heart! i refused to give up and it quickly fell back to 120... today it was 118 thankfully its going the right direction! the best part is im doing it without the lax! now if i can just kick out mia it would be even better, but i guess slow and steady wins the race right? ive managed to get the b/p down to between 1-3 times a day forthe past 4 days, thats definately better!
so i got my assignment score for my homework last week... let me just say that assignment was really difficult and i was so lost and so confused - i thought for sure i had done it incorrect but wanted to at least get some credit... well got the score today - 100%! i cant believe it! i was telling a friend yesterday how this class makes me feel really incompetent - well im feeling a little better today - now if i can get the next assignment done and submitted by midnight tomorrow night - i will be doing good! the challenge is my youngest has a fever tonight - he had to stay home from school today again! my middle son stayed home as well -stomach acid was bad (he has acid reflux) and the medication was not working... it was a half day so i said forget it - they will call me to come get him anyway so i may as well him stay home... i decided to let my oldest stay home since his classes were optional day today with all movie day... he didnt feel like going so why force him if they said it was optional?
anyway, so i am feeling a little hopeful for tomorrow... i plan to TRY to do the shakes - idk if i will be strong enough o not but i will keep trying until i make it... oh i also got a new blender today - the ninja with the small prep bowl and 2 smaller containers that have chopping blades for like making chopped onions and salsa... its really cool and i hope i can use it to keep me going... i have enough shake mix... i have the simply slim which are 110cals a shake and i also got the nutribiotic protein shakes which are 60cals and i make with the almond milk and splenda and coffee which makes it about 95 cals 120 with the chia seed powder as well...
so i am hoping and please keep fingers crossed i can make it through...
my friends i hope u are all staying safe and i will post something to do with ed awareness week as well... maybe a poem i have written or a paper i have written for school in regards to ed... we will see...
(((HUGS))) to all!

i wish i could...

say that i have been successful and that i have kicked mia out of my life - but unfortunately this is not the case... however today i did see my psych dr and i told her i wanted my effexor upped because it makes me feel better... in actuality when i was taking it before they took me OFF the effexor completely saying it was contributing to my ANA - well screw that! i need something to help so i got her to double it and i havent taken it for 3 days - believe me i could feel it too! i have been one bitchy snappy grumpy crank and i hate feeling like that! she even asked me what was wrong when i went in there - i guess my ugly was showing! anyway - so i took it a few minutesago - normally i take in the am so, i took it now with hopes it will take away ALL cravings in the morning and i will take tomorrows in the am as well... then just in the am from there on... but if it works this may help me to get away from mia for the day... i KNOW once i get away from her for the day i can begin to get back on track with ANA and restricting or fasting... so keep fingers, toes, knees elbows - anything that crosses - crossed that this works!  i have GOT to get mia under control - hubby is home in 33 days and if he sees mia in full action he is gonna SHIT SOME BRICKS! maybe even some BOULDRS!

real fast...

well my fasting has not yet happened... everytime i  get almost through the day something happens andi just fail miserably at it... today was no different except i was doing so well but my son was home sick... my youngest he was throwing up all night and so today i had to get meds filled and while we were out he was like mommy im hungry... i asked what he wanted and he says olive garden - one of my weaknesses! i love their salad and soup... and of course their stuffed mushrooms! he loves their bread and so with his tummy being sick lastnight i figured the bread would actually be good for him - so we went... grrrrr... ok so after i purged we went to get the meds - they were ready and i got some junk to snack on on the way home - i needed to make sure i had gotten all the og stuff out... well when we got home i remembered - my middle son was at the school waiting for me cuz hehad tutoring! crap! so i left my youngest with my oldest and bolted out to get my middle which means i have junk sitting in my gut - i keep eating slowly so i can keep the food from digesting too much... get my son and race home to purge... i was so exhausted i layed on the bed and fell asleep! i  didnt wake until 545! omg i didnt even make dinner or anything! thank goodness i had some simple microwave things and the boys had made for themselves rather than wake me... so no it is getting late and im headed to take melatonin and some miralax and head back to bed and when i get up tomorrow - i hope my self will is better and stronger than it was today!

another day - where's my dollar?

oh ya - i spent it on van payments! ugh - so tax monies came today - yay! but well a good amount is already spent and i need to try to save as much as i can... hubby comes home in 46 days!
yesterday was a long day and i bp more than i inteded - of course that seems to be everyday lately... anyway - i went downstairs and started with chex cereal and 35 cal almod milk - i was ok at first then it was just too much and i purged it all, showered and went back to bed... when i got up i went to try to get my haircut but as before they had no appts open so i ended up across the way at the thai restaraunt where i purged 2x there then went to sams and got candy bars and donuts which i ate some on the way home and purged when i got inside... later i went to the pawn shop and paid to get my stuff back and when i came home collapsed in exhaustion on the bed and fell asleep! when i woke, i had no dinner for my kids so i decided to take them to subway - with intentions of bp myself...while standing in line however i suddenly got the chills and severe nausea - i felt weak like i was going to passout... i decided against eating, paid for the boys sandwiches and sat while i waited for them to be prepared... we came home where the boys ate their dinner and i came back to my bed... i changed into shorts and a tshirt and climbed under the warm comforter and just rested... by then it was 630... i was wishing i had ordered me some sandwiches but was like well i have all the stuff downstairs if i really want it i can go make my own... at 7 i went downstairs and at4e some donuts and some chips with hummus... i purged and came to bed where i fell into a heavy sleep until 1130 when i was woken my by middle son... then i just tossed and turned the rest of the night... grrr...so tired but once im awakened even with melatonin - i cant seem to fall back to sleep...and if i do it is not very restful...
at 3am the grey cat came in for a visit... he decided it was snooping time and was exploring the items on the dresser to include a plastic bag making all sorts of ruckus - dumb cat... eventually he climbed down and just lay by my feet purring - an odd thing as the grey cat normally wont sleep on the bed if his people are there... after a bit he jumped down and the fat orange cat jumped up laying across my youngest son's legs and my feet... a few min later he was squeezing his way between the two of us and laid right across my son's arm and under mine - weird cat! he is usually not the snuggly type - he is a feet sleeper... so when he snuggles it is welcomed... the only problem was his motor was going and it seemed SO loud! eventually he made his way back down to the feet where he crashed until the alarm went off and the boys had to get up for school... then he decided it was time to go make his presence known downstairs... i had the worst migrain so i stayed in the bed a little longer... at 630 i took naproxen hoping to kill the headache and knock me out for the day... well it let me sleep until about 1030 then i was just awake... got up and started reading stuff online and chatting intermitently with my husband... i rejoined the 100hr fast group starting at 730 lastnight - will see if i can last as i am not sure what my plans r tonight for dinner yet and that makes it harder...
so this all being said and a recap of my past 24hrs... i guess i will go... it is now noon and i feel the headache coming back... need to see when ican take another naproxen and maybe go to sleep again! sometime i need to log in to my class and complete the assignment... i will... so not worried about it cuz i know i will get it done....
ttyl