well im still alive and just wanted you all to know...

so its been a very long time! i apologize for how long ive been away but it was neccessary. in feb i was admitted to Speppard Pratt (SP) in MD. i was there for 66 days before ins said i had to leave. i begged them to keep me a little longer - i knew i wasnt ready to leave, id already been doing badly on my off meals and days and been purging again - no way was i ready. oh well - ins rules so i left.
i can say at first i did fairly well. i mean i didnt eat the entire meal plan but for 13 days i managed to not purge... slowly it began to be taking one food item away from my meals randomly and then purging when i ate anything. ive been working hard to get the purging back down again and im only purging usually, one time a day sometimes zero and still keeping around 200 calories down. hey its not perfecy - i know, but its a step in the direction i need to go!
well i have been seeing a dietician now, and she was seeing me 2week intervals, then she moved it to one week due to weight loss and now she has it up two times weekly... she wrote a t-con to my dr who then scheduled me an emergency apt. for today, the dietician wrote she was reccommending return to SP. no way! ive lost nearly 20# of the near 50# they made me gain while i was away... thing is i dont plan to go back and i do not plan to gain that shit back either.
the difference is now, after the low weight i had gotten to, i realize that getting there didnt make me happy and no matter where i get to my weight and body will never be the way i want for it to be. however, i can tolerate a weight close to where i am now and hopefully maintain it and not go back into the hospital. its really hard though - i mean making you gain half your body weight while in a program then just sending you home to live and deal withsuch a change - no talk about it first or doing treatment.