fe fi fo fum - is that success i smell??

220pm wed jan 25, 2012

MOOD/EMOTION: not so sure of my feelings lately. i have been very good at not taking my medications and as a result feeling hopeless and numb.

well i woke this am determined to make this the official day 1 - again... so far im doing ok.. i was able to not bp when i had planned for it  - in my head... i said do i really wanna start ANOTHER day 1? not really... tired of being a let down to myself and everyone i both  care about and / or love... so before getting too far let be back track a bit...

took my boys to their appt for specialist friday after i first went to therapy... honestly - i do not remember much from my session except i was still triggered and trying to fight but i also knew it was a losing battle... im not exactly sure why i felt that way or why i thought that - but i did and in essence i caved and it ended horribly... in session what i do remember is her saying i have till this friday (28th) to determine which treatment i was going to and making plans... ugh - so been TOTALLY procrastinating on this one...

well this past few days since i think some how i have given myself 'permission' either subconsciously or to sabotage myself to just not care and do what ever... well this means first - not taking meds which i have been quite successful at - not a positive i can say... which this means lead to numerous bp and not remembering, not getting things done, feeling shitty and well just trying to move onto the next day hoping i will do better... yesterday was definately the worst though... i remember very little other than bp on anything and everything all day... since we barely have any food i was not only disgusted, ashamed and frustrated i was angry for doing it and everytime i would punish myself further... i ended up with a massive migraine and i still am battling that today... we have no food really except snacks now and i even allowed myself to bp on spaghetti - something i never do becuz purging that is aweful and so hard sometimes... afterwards i took night meds and came to bed... soon i found 2 boys in here to sleep and i didnt even care - they were warm bodies and everyone is dressed appropriately so i see no issue - besides it was their choice... i was asleep sometime soon after 830 - well thats the last time i looked at the clock and the next time was when i got up to use the br at 3am then i didnt hear anything until the alarm screamed bloody music at me that it was time for the boys to get ready for school at 6am... grrrrr! that clock ruined my sleep and i was actually SLEEPING and DREAMING... mind u the dream was im sure medication induced and was very very weird - but at least it was sleep!
i finally managed to force myself from the bed at like 945am and dressed then went to see cm... i was totally not in the mood, didnt want to go anywhere or deal with anyone / thing... but i went... i posted a comment to a page of mine and said ' if i dont go i know im going to be eaten alive which i really dont want... or hmmmm maybe i do? if i am it will mean lesss of me to deal with and i can always go for less of me!' wow - that was mean to me and not anyone else and i realized that shortly after posting it - but it is how i felt and what i thought at that moment...

after visiting there a bit i went to get some gas... now mind u i had only $4 and some change left to my name and i was trying to figure out how on earth i was going to make till payday next week... well God blessed me! i was able to use my military credit (i thought it was already maxed) and get $25 in the tank giving me about 240 miles of fuel! yay! next i went to the px and bought some pain meds for cramping and bloating bcuz i was again able to use the card - sweet!

i went to the van then next to the commissary - we at least needed some milk... i was able to get a small container of sour cream for the boys potatoes, a small box of packets of splenda for my coffee and a very small container of milk.. i came out with 75c left eek! so what do i do? i drive to the mini - px where they have some groceries - was hoping they had shredded and sliced cheese and i could put on my card but they didnt... i was irritated then and thats when bp hit... i went to the br and decided what i was going to do - get an all veggie pizza at pizza hut and a meat pizza for the boys - but the card wouldnt work in their machine today... so then my bp was delayed and i would have to have something at home... i really didnt want to bp on pizza anyway - what a waste of money! so when i got home - i just put what i had away and came to rest in my room... migraine was full throttle and i felt like my head would explode! i also noticed i am retaining a LOT of fluids... i had lines deep into my thighs from leaning over the counter and they were still there when i got home from seeing cm...

so i rested a bit on the bed and messaged and posted via mobile for a bit and decided to write... i dont know my emotuonal standing right now - just that i still feel numb and its wearing off and im begninning to feel very triggered... well im noticing it more - let me go back again... so i pulled out the only jeans i own that stay up... but when i saw myself in the mirror - i was very triggered and pushed it to the back of my mind... i feel rediculously huge today - bigger than most any days actually... i feel like the jeans are tight and my stomach is hanging over... when i look in the mirror - this is also what i see so it verifies the feelings... but when i look down without the mirror - my stomach is clearly not hanging over so why is that what i see in the mirror? it is confusing as hell and it is making my head swirl with horrid and harsh words... it was so bad this am i was searching through ALL drawers in the room looking for a blade to cut with... i was desperate and i found one... it took EVERYTHING i have in me to NOT pick it up and use it... that was right before i left to see my cm...

then at the comissary well that was a HUGE trigger just having to go there BUT when one of the regular supervisors came to me and asked if ive lost more weight - i was triggered worse... i told her no ive been the same for a while... but for some one to NOTICE my size is smaller - wow, it conflicted every thought and feeling i had in my body at that moment... i mean she noticed - thats good right!? but then again she also 'noticed' and i havent lost further so it is frustrating to get 'comments' when ive not done anything but maintain... in so many ways i would LOVE to lose more - like 15lbs more... but then again in so many ways i 'KNOW' i cant lose more - especially not THAT much...

with a lower than normal bmi i know it is not healthy but then i question that as well... using a chart for a basis is great but when it comes right down to it - not everyone and everything can be guaged by a chart... so maybe i really AM obese but my weight is lower and based on the charts im underweight... i have been told before that it IS possible to be over - weight even obese and still be underweight... this is done when th body only has fat stores on it and so it really is a higher bmi and therefore that person is both obese and underweight... i dread that to ever be me! it scares me to no end... the very thought of gaining is equally as sacry for me... i can say this week i gained some overnight and i TOTALLY freaked out... i know this is part of the 'sabotage' i have caused myself and allowed for myself to not take meds and become a 'robot' to AN / BN but i also know why it had shot up so fast - now i know anyway, and it is going back to where it was... i know the dr's dont want it there and neither does any of my treatment team - but i feel safer and if i can stop purging 100% and still maintain i feel a little better... i dont feel quite so huge ya know?

so being a robot - i dont want that anymore and i took that 'right' away lastnight... today being day one and i hope it is successful... well the days of no meds were successful too - successful at allowing me to fail my goals for treatment but succeed at getting me through to the next day.. i asked a friend cant u just invent a magic pill for me? this would be a lot less difficult to swallow then! she said she wishes - ya me too...

so friday im supposed to have made a decision where im going to go off too... i feel like im abandoning my family and being selfish to help make me better - a road traveled many times yet not real success... it makes me feel so guilty and i really wish i didnt need to go... not needing to go would mean gaining weight and not caring (no way), re-engaging with and feeling comfortable with food (was doing well but successfully have failed miserably at this since a few days after leaving the hospital), successfully keeping even liquids down ( right now i am still allowing myself water without purging so its a step)... as well as emotionally hold myself stable and live a 'normal' life (do i really want to be norma l/ what is ' normal '? '... im sure there is more to it - like eventually dealing with my past and understanding why i always turn to the 'old tricks' rather that what ive learned ( bcuz what u know is easier than trying to make urself follow the new stuff which is petrifying and uncertain), i know the ways i cope work - but only for so long then i either have to act again which potentially can lead to death, or use the new skills and let myself 200% trust my treatment team and my husband with what i do... now let me add to that part - i do trust my team; i dont trust myself;  end reulss: allowing myself to trust someone else, this makes trusting them so much harder - es[pecially when i cant trust myself or even that what i am trusting in - will work and / or be worth it... does this make any sense? it does and it doesnt but im not sure how to better explain myself so...

i have a blanket i have been working on for a while for a really good friend... i have not had the mindset to complete it bcuz ALL i could do was be robotic to the ed - and there was no room for self escape or other me time - just to make sure i COULD get to a bathroom once i had eaten something... well i have the blanket next to me now on my bed... i have PLANS to work on this or nap rather than risking bp... the issue is that i still am not feeling well, im still very triggered, my hubby is still in the field leaving me the full 100% opportunity but challenging myself to not give in and i really want to go to the gym... if i am spending all my time bp as a robot then i dont have time for the gym and i need to go - havent in months - mostly cuz of the middle toe issue but that has since been resolved and the only thing really holding me back are my pinky toe on the other foot - i broke it and im trying to let it heal without more issue and myself - despising leaving the house and / or being seen... alls i seem to want to do is hide away in my house either in my room trying to rest or downstairs under the rules of the ed and serving like a robot...

i guess well - for now this is all i need to say... oh except writing although on my list to do things - hasnt been going so great becuz even when i have the time and full opportunity i have found myself to engrossed in ed allowing  no time to further do things that will potentially help me to lose the ed and find myself working recovery... HELL NO! ed doesnt want that and he is fighting me - and i am fighting him... i feel like i have really lost and i am a waste of space, air and food and that i need to sleep myself into my grave and allow someone else the opportunity to breathe, eat and have a life which is not a waste... i feel useless and hopeless with myself and very ashamed and disgusted with my behaviors, who and what i am... i also am very stingy - i am selfish! i cant just give my family to someone else! i brought the boys into this world to raise and have themselves successfull lives and i refuse to lose that opportunity! so i keep fighting even if all i make is toe crawls - i wont give up till i recover or it kills me in which case i didnt give up and i am still  fighter not a quitter...