waiting wating keep on waiting...

606pm Sat Jan 28,2012
MOOD/EMOTIONS: very anxious, annoyed, frustrated, irritate, still hopeful, trying to think positive

so i slept less than 2hrs in the past two days - meaning been up since thursday 4am... i was on a manic - high yesterday... i wish i still was today but i can feel myself slipping the more "no's" we get.... we went to the dealership we went too was a 1hr drive because YAY - yes we had been approved... the issue is this - i had told them i wanted to postdate the down payment till the 8th when r taxes were to be deposited and originally they had said yes... we get there paperwork done, copies of evverything, all we had to do was hand them the check and sign - nope... they cant hold the check until the 8th it has to be today! grrrr now we r nearly out of gas again and i hope this othr place which is about 7miles from here will get us approved and we can go get the van there tonight or tomorrow instead... i dont mind because its way closer and i can get any work i need to get done on it ie... oil changes etc will be done righ here basically and if it needs repaired - then they also offer a temp replacement until it is fixed! hopefully it wont need any - but just in case!

so yesterday was therapy... i went and wow i was SO hyper-manic my mind was going over 1 million miles an hr and my body was trying to catch up! i was talking so fast i couldnt often get the words to come out right or fast enough... my sentences felt like i was all over the place.... the good part is that mood i really like! i get so much done and i feel so good thing is it exhausts me more than anything...
anyway in the appt i told her how i was feeling and some fears im having and we talked about these things... that was good... the problem was me.. i had a BAD BAD BAD BAD body day.... i felt like every breath i was taking i was expanding and my clothes were shrinking... when i looked in the mirror i could see my face getting faster and i was getting really anxious... i really did literally want to scratch all my skin off - i didnt care how bad it would hurt - it needed to be done... of course i didnt and i back talked myself saying how unrealistic, illogical and CRAZY those thoughts were... even at the dealerships after the appt... i was burrying myself in my jacket to hide - i just really felt nasty...

wehn i went to print my journals from my computer before the appt though - couldnt print - NO INK!!! then to make it worse and even more frustrating - i couldnt find the journal i usually carry with me! i felt childish and retarded but oh well right...

so my weight is back where it was - thank God... and hubby home from the field YAY! and one other thing before i go for now - today is DAY 2!!! not giving in - im going to do this! new van, fresh start new beginning...