what a long exhausting, triggering, failed day...

545pm
thursday Jan 19, 2012

MOOD/EMOTIONS: exhausted, triggered, frustrated, useless and epically - a failure.

let me begin with like oh idk it was about 4 am when i climbed out of the bed - i just could not sleep last night! not sure exactly what was going on but i kept feelin very uncomfortable and not safe - i kept checking on my boys and making sure hubby was still breathing... he was and they were all ok and i lay down to rest and toss and turn some more until finally his alarm went off, he got up for work and i got up and dressed.... i came down and made him eggs with sausage and stuft it in a whole wheat pita plus a large coffee fresh - of course!

then i felt like i had more energy than 10 people and began scrubbing and cleaning the kitchen - took me less than 30 min to completely sanitize and clean the kitchen, do the dishes, load the laundry, clean all counters and the sink and orgaanize the counter where the pressure cooker and other gadgets go... when i was done with that i had to get my boys up for school then i came dowsntairs and read emails etc... they left for school - i took a warm shower - i was FREEZING! i was so cold my legs were purple and my lips were bluish white! i thought i was going to freeze to death and was upset when the water ran cold very fast!

im supposed to be researching this treatment place - so far ive not done it... i only shared the link with the lady from ANAD so she could see more info on it... im scared to research again - i dont think ill be able to go... financially we just dont have it and the CM told me the other day that tricare doesnt pay the transportation anymore... i cant just drive or fly when we are BROKE.... literally... i spent my last change to get a 1/2 gal of milk and a small 3lb bag cat food...

ok so what else happened today to get me so triggered right? well i got out the shower and dressed then i had my 16 yr old start the van while i finished getting six etc on... then he stayed home while i went to my CM and see if my 12 yr old's referral was in yet so i can take him tomorrow to the appt... well she wasnt there -moving to ANOTHER office! but another lady looked up the # and gave me the address and phone number... i decided to go to the peds clinic see if my 12 yr olds asthma care plan was ready... the lady  tried to give me hell for not having his id card with me - i didnt think id need it to pick that up - i know who i gave it to, i know when and i knew what it was for... she finally gave it to me and i headded home...

as im pulling to the road towards our house my phone rings - its my middle son... apparently some girl was getting teased, he tried to stop the teasing by standing up for her and the girl thought she was funny to go around the table and POUR a can of OJ over his head and all over his JROTC UNIFORM! he needed me to bring him new clothes! wtf!!! i was PISSED! i got his clothes and drove to the school where he was in the office waiting for the school administrator to see him... well apparently  ateacher had just died (not sure if at the school or they got a call or whatever) but they were dealing with that issue and said we could go home someone would call me later... noone called and his uniform is smelly like old orange juice and sticky - it needs dry cleaned and pressed and i dont have the $... i told the school i expect the student to pay those fees - she said if she gets suspension "it was so worth it" what a snot! i may even have her charged with bullying if she carries it further... im sure i could have a legal suit to sue her seeing as the whole event is also on camera and several teachers as well as the officer saw it and said he was not at fault...

i also got online and was trying to research disability... im not excited to apply but my husband says i should try and my t says i might qualify... i was reading and trying to figure it out - but i have no idea where to start so...

lets see what else happened? well ive bp 3x during all this - i was just so dam triggered and it felt like that was the only thing that was keeping me somewhat sane... ya i know its not sane, healthy or a positive thing - but i felt it was the only skill i had right then and at that exact time...

i also have been emailing back and forth with my academic counselor, my oldests sons school to get his almost 2 weeks worth of makeup work and made him ramen with eggs and squash for lunch (my binge) i purged then headed out to do the other stuff... i came home after getting my middle son and stopped at the comissary to get cat food and milk - it was $3.55 and i had $3.53 so the cashier gave me the 2 pennies - how embarrasing!

hubby took someones duty tomorrow night and they paid him $80 that will get us through till payday... i need to really get these finances straight, in order and organized... those 'little' mistakes soon add up to a lot of fees!

im still waiting now for him to get home - he had a very long day - he was at work at 445 then a fewseconds to drop off some boxes then back to work - now it is 615 and still no word from him... hope he is at least staying warm...

this song is so me - enjoy...



not only does this song relate totally to me - but also is so very true in life...