i feel like an unpopular Brittany Spears...

shold i say it - oops i did it again.... ugh - yep i did... i b/p again when i got very triggered tonight... so after i blogged i was researchng and doing fine drinking my green tea etc... then i for some reason got it in my head i needed toweigh and so well i did - BIG MISTAKE... totally set me off... triggered the shit outta me and i ended up b/p on chicken with cheese n hot sauce and some donuts... yep nice... i used some iced coffee and some oj to wash it all down and then to bring it all up... i ended up purging 3lbs of what was in there when i weighed cuz i was back down - thank God! so ya - i gotta get past this damn ocd of needing to weigh all the time - if i didnt do that i would have still been doing well... so i started my fast AGAIN and i hope for the last time! it started at 8pm... i just rounded the time up and so far i had soe miralax and a diet pill to just get me going... if this weight doesnt shift downward soon - idk what ima do! i am liable to do just about anything from lax to cutting it off! i am so disgusted with it! so ya - thats how this evening has changed... not a good way to go...
ive done the research for this paper and well gotten as far as creating a file and the title page... ive not written anything because honestly i am very confused with it all! i feel like i need to go to bed, get up in the am and conquer it fresh and new with a new brain so to speak... just reopen the mind and try to focus again... so ya its gonna be a little late but i would rather submit it late and understand as well as get a good grade rahter than risk not getting a good grade and not understanding it either... so ya - thats the plan...
hmmm... well my youngest son is feeling a bit better which is a good thing... maybe he will get some sleep and not be coughing so much... he didnt need the cough meds but once today which is way better and i like that... i hate when my babies are sick! it is the most triggering thing to worry about a child and whether he can breath or not!
i amreally tired tonight yet i am not sleepy - idk if that makes any sense at all - but i hope when i take this melatonin it will make me sleep and it will be a peaceful sleep - not a restless forced one... those r the worst cuz then i wae with massive headache, cranky and unrested even though i slept...
i am hoping i will be able to talk to my hubby in the morning... his internet payment was due today but of course his card didnt work it should work in the morning i hope... i also really hope the tax money is there like it is supposed to be on friday...i have a lot that needs to be done with that to start with fixing the car so we have it when he comes home... i wish r friend would come over and we could take it to get worked on... he was supposed to come over 2 weeks ago on thursday to take it to the shop but he didnt call and didnt show... i hope i dont have to have it towed - that will suck cuz thats exspensive too...ugh...
so ok - well i dont feel like looking for or taking pics tonight for today's blogs so they will just be boring worded posts - hope it doesnt bother anyone who might be reading this... guess it really doesnt matter as i tend to just blog for myself anyway - gotta get these thoughts out so i can clear this crowded head and hopefully get some clear thoughts in there and function better! also so i can focus and get some school work done when it matters most!
night

why is it things never seem to go as planned???

i logged in to fgg lastnight and signed on to do a 100hr fast - i made it all of like 12hrs? at 12pm i ended up bp but its 330 now and im 3.5 hours into trying again! i thought i could make it but things happened (as they always seem to do lately) and the triggers got the best of me... oh well - i will not be defeated!
so this morning took the boys and got haircuts, while they did that i got my nails done in red and i had 2 gold charms put on the ring fingers...i wanted dragonflies but they didnt have any so i settled for butterflies - still pretty i guess just wasnt the aim i was going for...dragonflies being my chosen symbol for ana - i wanted the reminder there but maybe these will do the trick - guess we shall see right?
i also FINALLY went to the bathroom this am! omg - i was litterally FOS! then while i was out - i went again! YAY! so now tomorrow maybe my weight will have some downward change i hope!
i got my final grade for my last class - i did ok but i was really hoping for an A. i am already on academic probation and if i don get the GPA to at least 3.0 this course they will suspend my classes for 6 months... grrr...so it is  2.89 right now - hopefully i can pull an A in the new class ad bring it high enough - it will be a struggle and a challenge but i have to try!
lets see - well i am off to the bookstore to get a few books - i need some insp and motivation and what i have here just isnt working! ill try to post more later if im not too depressed! im making an easy dinner for the boys chicken salads! i baked the chicken lastnight so it is ready just gotta cut and mix the rest then let them serve n eat... i feel good about this - i think the one bp was a fluke and i will be ok now...

well right now it is nearly 6pm... i am about to START my research for my paper and pray i get it done and do it right... so long as i can find some good info i dont think it will be too hard - its only 700 words - thats like a 5min conversation! anyway - so went to the bookstore and i got "wintergirls", "Unbearable lightness", "Speak" and the new Dean Koontz book "What the night knows" with my coupon and discount card and tax it was $49.47 total! not too bad i dont say! yay and now i have my books back to read and reread and hopefully have some motivation, inspiration and time consuming activities!
i decided im too lazy tonight to do even the salads for the boys, i have rice in the fridge already cooked so they are heating that with some chicken and then just some tossed salad with the dressing they choose - they were happier with that anyway...im not feeling so well as my stomach is upset right now so just staying awqay from food all together is a better idea... it always leads to b/p when i feel like this because i can get that feeling out of my stomach and feel the release of whatever is causing the stress and tension...
i got a cold sore starting on my bottom lip - so not cool! i think it is just all the stress with my life and trying to gain some control some where and not finding it - its leading my body to release extra stuff and causing me stomach acid and cold sores - i hope it settles soon... i hate feeling like this and being so totally out of control is the worst thing ever! i always thought i had some control, but looking back and seeing my life - i wonder who had the control - me or my ed? well its time for me to at least take some of that control back! this means starting with the fast and so far well lets see im about hmmm about 6hrs in and so far i feel ok with it still... i even tempted myself with krispy kreme donuts and ice cream on the way home from the bookstore... they are in the kitchen now and the boys can have ice cream for dessert and donuts for breakfast! God knows i dont need em! well ill try to add some pics to this post later - right now i really need to get to work on this paper!

being broke really sux...

well im so broke and idk what im gonna do... i need to go get groceries - but i hate, no i despise writing checks... grrr... so it doesnt matter i suppose - im gonna go to the store and well attempt to write one and hope it goes through... if not well then i guess shopping is out till tuesday... if it works... well lets just say there will be food in the house and that is both good - an bad... im not feeling like i need to b/p im just feeling like if i have the stuff i might or might not... not having the stuff makes me feel trapped and i think thats par of my feelings of anxiety right now... my chest really hurts and im feeling anxious... also i think partly becuz well ive not had anything to even drink yet today and also i still have not used the bathroom proper... its been a week - im getting concerned and tired of the bloaty backed up feeling...im hoping lax are not in the future again but this is really getting uncomfortable! so im gonna try some coffee again this am and see what happens... if it works - yay! if not then well will see what happens in the next few days to determine what will be the outcome for me... more later...

im up for some success already!

how many times must a girl fail before she sees success? im hoping its soon because failing day in and day out is not only exhausting and predicatble but also disappointing... id like to be able to feel good about the day rather than dread it and wish it to end...

YA - IT FEELS SOMETHING LIKE THIS!

today began well - late lastnight...i went to bed at 8pm and i was so exhausted i could barely keep my eyes open so i didnt take any melatonin or anything to help me sleep - figured i would be fine on my own... i drifted quite quickly into a hard slumber suddenly - i was awake looking at the clock - 1111pm... im not sure what woke me - a noise? a dream? im not sure - but i was awake and there was nothing helping me go back to sleep... grrrr...ive pretty much been awake since... 6am lets try some coffee...

THIS IS THE COFFEE I AM USING RIGHT NOW - NOT TOO BAD BLAC WITH SOME SPLENDA BUT IF I HAD ALMOND MILK WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER!

so lets look back before that...last thing i posted was my son had to go to the dr - well first we went to cici's pizza for lunch where i b/p on pizza and salad to my heart's content - or rather my stomach's... i purged and there wa so much acid, it felt so good to get that out... then we dropped my oldest son back home as he had homework - i was frustrated he had homework wiht exams but i dont make the rules or assignments so whatever... we got to the urgent care place - one we have never been too before and is like 5min from our house so yay... wrong! the time we sat there waiting was REDICULOUS! we finally got in, seen diagnosis - bronchitis great... prescription and lets go get these filledbefore post pharmacy closes! get to the pharmacy - they fill one, but just great - dont carry the other... oh well guess we will get filled off base somehow... one minute - what was that? he is allergic to zithromax and this is basically the same thing so he needs a different prescription?! well the clinic is closed - great! so we come home - i made eggs, bacon, waffles with pb and oj... i eat then purge all the triggers and frustrations away... im exhausted and just collapse in the bed at 8 - forget a shower ill do that in the morning... i will call the dr in the morning and try to get him seen at the regular clinic... i need a vacation!

so yep - this morning got up and took the other 2 to the bus then called the clinic where i had to leave a message and wait for the nurse to call back... she called around 830 and said there was a 10am available did i wanna come then - yes! please! i need to get this boy his medication! so i climbed in the shower washed up quick plugged the drain and sat with the water streaming down on me filling the tub... when it was full i turned it off and just layed in there... i finally got out, got dressed and we left to the dr... got there at 945 as required (15 min early per clinic requirements), checked in then it was more waiting... we finally got pulled to the back, vitals done and again waiting... tis boy is driving me mad! he is so hyper and im so tired! where does he find the energy in his sickness to be so off the wall! i blame it on the ADHD and the fact he is probably as exhausted as me thus this is how he is reacting - that and i didnt give him his ADHD medication...finally the dr comes in, talks to the boy and me and prescribes him a new medication as well as an asthma inhaler chamber... now the inhaler will be more effective...he apologizes for the experience at the clinic lastnight- well it wasnt his fault, but thank you... and finally we go get the number to - yep u guessed it - wait some more! waiting at the pharmacy for the medication we ave only 5 numbers ahead of us - but the thing with a military pharmacy is there are letters A,B,C,D and each type of patient falls under one of the categories - for example an active duty soldier in uniform is in category A where we are dependatns so we are category B. When u get your number it is not always first come first serve - meaning although we may have been there first - if a soldier gets a number after us they can still be called before us... so ya - we had 5 in our caegory, not to say how many in any others as we are only given the one ticket... we left and came home - we got here at noon... so ya in all the wait times were killer!... i made some fries and toquitos for lunch which of course was a huge binge fest for me - and now i am just so drained and exhausted... i layed down around 2 and i got up at 4ish to start this post...im feeling really sluggish and i need something to get me going im just not sure what that is? i still have to make dinner and my boys are already asking  im making tacos so they will be happy and im gonna try notto eat but idk if i will or not... i dont really have the willpower or fight in me right now if the cravings and urges begin  - to stop myself so i guess we shall see... additionally i drank a huge 20oz tumbler of black coffee this am to try to jump start this damn digestive system of mine and nothing - still! i had miralax, chia seed, benefiber, psyllium husk, and coffee - nothing is working and i feel so bloated! grrr!!!!
as for my class - what a way to start! i have not even done my dq yet as i was in the middle of it yesterday when we left for the dr and never was back online - this is the first time back on here since so i also have some catching up to do!
here is a pic i took to add the other day - i apologize i did not add it... i believe weight was 114

THERE IS SOME HIPBONE SHOWING...

maybe ill post more later - will see - right now i gotta go get some dinner cooking for these kids!

thursday am...

i woke this morning in a daze - i didnt want to get out the bed! i was so tired BUT i did manage some sleep lastnight YAY! at one point in fact i was in such a deep sleep - my whole right side of my face was asleep! i turned over and i couldnt feel that side of my face then suddenly this cool then warm sensation started through my cheek and then the rest of my face - it was really odd...
anyway - got the boys to the bus came home and back to bed... took a bit but fell back to sleep around 730ish id say and i woke around 9ish... i talked online to a friend for a while until she had to leave and then chatted through text with another for a bit... finally convinced myself to get out the bed and at least shower this am! geeze! lol... anyway - i washed then let the tub fill from the shower overhead - i just relaxed and soaked in the warmth for a bit... it think ieven fell asleep! when i got out of the shower i finished my coffe  - it was iced this am when i made it but not anymore...still it had some psyllium husk and chia seed in it so i wanted to finish it... maybe it will soak up some of that acid in there...
in some ways i feel like this is mia's way of sabotaging any chance for me to stop the bp... y? bcuz if i dont have anything the acid gets so harsh - the only way to get rid of it - to make my stomach settle even just a little is through purging...if i have something in there to purge up with the acid it wont hurt and wont keep building... i am debating calling my dr to ask for something i can take for the acid... when i was ip they prescribed me regland - which is in the middle of a lawsuit now so dont think i want that again - besides they dont carry it at our pharmacy... so maybe she can give me something that will help? if i have that maybe i can stop the purging and the stomach acid wont trigger the need anymore? idk... will see right now im trying the husk with chia to see if it does anything... so far all i feel is bloated and gassy from the husk though - one reason i stopped using to begin with... see metamucil has 3g of psyllium husk per serving in it - thats what makes u regular... it is a natural laxative... well this is pure whole organic psyllium husk and a serving is 5g and has 15cals... its thick n heavy once it hits water - it fills u up for a bit as well... also take 1-3x a day... so i figure if nothing else ill be poopin a bit! haha!

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE

INFO:

Psyllium Whole Husks Colon Cleanser Promotes Regularity Supports Heart Health Psyllium Whole Husks is an economically priced colon cleansing dietary fiber for promoting regularity and supporting heart health. Psyllium Whole Husk is most effective when used everyday, and can be used as long as desired. There are many reasons why psyllium husks are a part of daily health maintenance for millions of people. Extensive research has shown that psyllium husks help maintain healthy cholesterol levels, including a proper balance of HDL and LDL cholesterol. In addition, psyllium husks help promote normal regularity. Unlike stimulant laxatives, psyllium husks are gentle and are not habit forming. Psyllium husks’ bulking action makes elimination easier and more comfortable. At the same time, psyllium sweeps waste and toxins more quickly out of the body, so toxins are not reabsorbed from the colon back into the bloodstream. Gluten-Free: psyllium husks do not contain any gluten so people who are gluten sensitive can use them. Yerba Prima uses only premium quality psyllium husks, without added sweeteners, colors or additives. FOR REGULARITY: Psyllium husks promote easy, healthy elimination and sweep waste out of the colon more quickly. To maintain regularity and speed waste removal, take 1 to 3 servings a day, either with or between meals. FOR HEART HEALTH: To help maintain healthy cholesterol levels and support heart health, take 2 servings a day, with meals. Supplement Facts Serving size 5 grams (1 tablespoon) Servings per container: 68 Amount per serving % Daily Value Calories 15 Total Fat 0g 0% Total Carbohydrate 4.5g <2% Dietary Fiber 4.5g 18% Soluble Fiber 3.5g Insoluble Fiber 1.0g Sugars 0g Protein 0g Calcium 10 mg <2% Sodium 4 mg <2% Potassium 43 mg <2% Psyllium seed husks 5 g Ingredients: Psyllium seed husks. Note: The carbohydrate in this product is primarily non-digestible fiber; digestible carbohydrate is less than 1/2 gram per serving. Directions: ADULTS AND CHILDREN OVER 12: 1 tablespoon, one to three times a day. CHILDREN 6 – 12: 1 teaspoon, one to three times a day. See Directions. Start by taking 1 serving each day. Increase to 2 or 3 servings per day if needed. Can be taken either between meals, or with food, as desired. Stir powder briskly into at least 8 ounces (a full glass) of liquid. Juice, water, soy or rice drink, and milk are all good with Psyllium Whole Husks.



ok enough of that!
so i have chapters to read for my hw but im totally not into it right now - statistics n measurements - gross! i hate numbers already and now i have more to deal with grrrr....

my sons school just called - his asthma acting up... great time to call the dr!
so i left a message for the dr - hope they call back soon... not good e is having such a cough his teacher sent him to the nurse during mid terms - nope - gotta get that under control asap!

JUST SOME THINGS THAT CAN TRIGGER ASTHMA TO FLAIR OR BECOME OUT OF CONTROL

after my shower i took a pic of my collarbone so here it is...id like to see more - but i guess this is the best i get for now!

not much to say today...

woke up this am in pain... didnt sleep lastnight but didnt get up for a midnight b/p either - good thing! throughout the day i have been in terrible horrible pain... stomach s full of acid and at 3 i caved and went and b/p on sandwich thins (100cals for both halves) with pb and sugar free jelly... well while i was purging it hurt so bad to eat and have the food in my stomach but it also was killing me to purge... i felt lke i was dying it hurt so bad - i was actually in tears... it was aweful and i dont know why it was like that... since then ive purged again because the acid is just terrible in my stomach and purging seems to be the only way to get it out... ive tried the antacids - i took 4 and feels like i didnt take anything... stomach is on fire right now so i feel like another bp to get myself relaxed enough maybe i can sleep???

oops! forgot to post this lastnight all - sorry!

its already too late...

so i couldnt do it - i caved... i went downstairs and i ate some mac n cheese with a few pieces of hot dogs then some veggie corn dogs minis - i purged then went back and has sme broccoli veggie bites and cottage cheese with cinnamon and splenda in it and purged again... i drank a cup of apple juice and came up to my bathroom to purge completely and the acid came up - now i feel a little better but my chest is still burning... i can deal with that...
im about to take some melatonin - it says to take 20min prior to going to bed and i plan to be in bed at 8. boys have not only exams but half day tomorrow and the test of the week - i gotta be able to manage and cope and try to be strong! i would have made it but that acid - the damn antacids didnt do anything! i think it was over produced from no b/p... i know that messes the acid levels up bad so i dont know what im gonna do to fix it but at least i hope ill be able to sleep tonight! maybe tomorrow if i dont fast i will try to keep something down??? idk yet i did keep 60cals down this am so i guess thats a step up?

some one help me!

i am really triggered right now! not because im hungry or even wanna eat but because my stomach hurts so fucking bad! i just took 2 antacids in hopes it will settle some.. it is not even nausea anymore - it feels like acid... it feels like my stomach is burning away which in reality would be awesome if the fat was going but i dont want an ulcer! ugh! so far ive still not eaten but im tellin u right now if these antacids dont work - im probably gonna cave to cottage cheese or salad or something!

my stomach hurts a lot today... and my chest is right there too...

i woke this am after a horrible night... i ended up not being able to sleep again so this triggers me BIG for b/p like if i do it - maybe i can sleep? so i got up and went down and i b/p on ham and bagels with pbj i think i had cereal some where in there too.... then i purged downstairs, came up to my bathroom and purged some more then downed 28oz of dieters tea - hoping it will help the digestion... i felt so backed up and the miralax wasnt doing anything even though i took it 2x yesterday... so then after that i layed in bed and tossed and turned - i didnt b/p again but i deff didnt sleep - i was in so much discomfort! my damn stomach was just gurggling and lurching and moving but nothing was happening! i honestly felt like i was going to implode! i got up at 6 to get the boys ready and off to school - i was hurting so much it hurt to move... i was doubled over and i knew something had to happen or i may end up at the er... i decided to give chia seed - not the powder (has more cals but also more fiber, omegas and protein - i also found it makes me go to the bathroom better than the powder), and iced coffee a chance... so i used the seed ground it in the coffee grinder and made the blended coffee - with the ice and chia and coffee and splenda it was almost 40oz and eventually i drank it all - i even went to the bathroom a little! yay! finally SOME relief - wasnt much but was enough to let me relax and sleep about 2 hrs... i needed that rest! so after the coffee - and the little relief i got - i do mean little... i weighed in at 113.6 yay! goin down! i like that direction!

113.6 GETTING THERE BUT NOT QUITE YET!

i woke up shaking and shallow breathing - struggling to breath with my heart racing... it was uncomfortabe in the sleep and when i woke i had a hard time calming down - i think i had an anxiety attack in my sleep? im used to them in the day - happen all the time and i just work through them so this was weird... i didnt like how it felt and if it keeps happening will deff tell my psych dr on the 16th- or sooner if it gets worse...
so i decided i needed to get up and get moving around - maybe get something done... i got dressed and decided to go get the melatonin for my son - his psych dr said he can have it instead of th psych meds and its natural as well as safer - so i chose to do that... decided on walmart - was a good choice too! i managed to buy some groceries and the melatnonin...

HERE IS WHAT I GOT AT WALMART FOR $8 HAS 100 DISSOLVE TABLETS

THESE ARE SUBLINGUAL SO THEY WORK FASTER THAN PILLS

WHAT DOES MELATONIN DO??

Natrol Melatonin 5mg Fast Dissolve is a fast-acting sleep aid for relief of occasional sleeplessness. A hormone found in the body, melatonin, helps promote more restful sleep. Natrol Melatonin provides relief for occasional sleeplessness, and helps promote a more relaxing night and better overall health. Get the rest you need with this

i also got some 5000 iu vit d... i read a thread that this girls dr said they prescribe 5000iu vit d to patients trying to lose weight... she said she was taking for a month and didnt change anything in her diet - just one time a day vit d and lost 12 lbs - its worth a shot! besides all it can do is help me... i have osteopenia annd the vit d level before serious prescript is needed is 30 - mine was 31... so im pretty near anyway might as well make some effort to keep my bones from breaking! i have suppleMents to eat - like caramel candy ones but they trigger me into feeling like i am binging and that makes so i have a really hard time taking em... i hope these will work!

VITAMIN D FACTS:
Supplementing with vitamin D can increase the rate of weight loss during dieting.  Those with high blood levels of vitamin D achieved triple the weight loss of those with low levels of the vitamin.

(REFERENCE: http://www.fatlossnutrition.com/blog/2008/vitamin-d-increases-weight-loss/)

so when i left the store i was really proud of myself! i had originally decided on some b/p foods i was going to get starting with donuts and almond milk... well the milk would have been ok - thats a good thing and only 35 cals a serv but they were out - grrr!!! so i decided i didnt actually want the donuts! i cant believe it! i was so proud of myself - i actually got most the things for my boys except i did buy some foods for me to b/p on but fairly safe and healthy and even able to be used should i decide to try abc... also my boys will et most of them so wont be a waste... however right now i am feeling pretty good in the idea of a fast... i mean i dont feel triggered like i need or want to eat or purge... im tired and my chest hurts and ive managed to make myself drink 1 bottle and workng on a 2nd of green tea - but i dont even want anything to drink and feel nauseated with food... i put all the groceries away and even cleaned food containers out the fridge and washed the crockpot and still just felt nauseated... this is good - very good... if it lasts a few days then the fast will work - id like to make 110 by monday at the latest but lower - that would be awesome!
my new class starts today i need to eventually get in there and sign in - ive already read the stuff required while online from my phone but it is too hard to try and post anything on there - u know how small that type is! haha!

WELL I WAS GONNA PUT A PIC HERE - BUT OF WHAT? EH SO NEVER MIND! LOL!

anyway - so i have been checking yahoo all day yesterday and all day today and im really worrie for my friend! i have not seen her all day and i know she wanted to 'sleep' the day away... i just hope she is safe... my thoughts will be with her tonight...

im also going to try this melatonin tonight - i NEED to sleep! no more freaking midnight b/p! this has to stop so since im feelin pretty ok and like i may make this fast - im gonna do the motrin for the headache and the melatonin to sleep - together i should hopefully be KNOCKED OUT COLD! haha! oh and before i go - my son did great on his exam today! yay! so proud of him!

and so this pic has NOTHING to do with me or my life or today - it was just so damn cute i had to post it!

im really sorry...

ive let you all down again and myself... maybe i should just give up trying and let mia have her way - maybe i need to change my name? so what happened?
lastnight i went to bed at 8pm as i had said... i was doing ok - i just could not get to sleep! i was laying here tossing and turning and turning and tossing and it was driving me nuts! i finally said fuck it! i got up went downstairs and ate a piece of chicken with bbq and 3 mini crueller donuts and 4 powdered mini donuts with a glass of oj then came back up to my bathroom and purged... i took a shower, weighed and guess what? i was down from before i started the binge... yep mia and her damn head games! so then i came back to bed and tried to sleep - again... i dozed in n out for a bit but had this damn voice nagging in my head finally i caved again! i got up and went donwstairs where i proceeded to b/p agan this time on the new special K cracker chops - the entire box has 385 cals and i ate it with hummus which was approx 400cals plus oj which was about 200cals and some 40cal slices of cheese which i put on top of the crackers and hummus 8 slices so 320cals more...yep about 1305 cal b/p omg! i ran upstairs and purged as much as i could and know what - down some more! i also then took some miralax and came to bed and after about 2 hours more - about 2am i finally fell asleep... when that alarm went off at 6 - i was not ready to wake!

DONUTS ANYONE??

so ya not a good night at all! today idk yet what my plans r - to fast, restrict or b/p first i gotta make it to my dr apt and getting my boys to the bus... after that the day has not been decided... i cant decide because every time i try - i end up failing so i am thinking instead - take it part by part as the day goes by...
finally someone posted in my team and I reposted the team paper when i saw an error on the title page... i am letting him take the bag - im tired of holding it... he said he will post it today this afternoon - i am trusting he will but when i get home from my boys dr apt today - i will just make sure it has posted - i have to cover my grade! i got a 9/12 on the last paper i did - not good... i really needed the full points but thats what i get for submitting it late - thats an auto 1.2pt deduction... my damn punctuation has sucked lately and it caused me to lose the others... hopefully this time i did better with that!

GOTTA RE-CHECK!

ok so here is to no more 1300cal b/p's! i really hope today to tea and water fast - i will lose this weight whether i fast or not though - i dont care how i have to do it as i have already clearly stated and demonstrated... maybe today the dr will tink she has won - but that thought wont last her long!
ill post more later - have a good day all, stay strong AND HANG ON!

PLEASE HOLD ON TIGHT AND STAY STRONG!

THIS IS TO HELP GET US ALL THROUGH!!!!

PLEASE!!!! let me win for once!!!

im so tired of failure...it really sux...ive done things in my life im not proud of but one thing i would like to do and be proud of is to say i have a nice body with no added fat or disgustingness - help!
so i took the lax lastnight after i ended up bp a total of i think 3x maybe only 2 - i dont remember now... anyway i was sick as shit halfway through the night... puking and shittinmy guts out - it was aweful! and what made it worse - my shower hose had a hole init so couldnt even take a shower to help with the cramping! i was so miserable but deserved it all...

SO FAT AND DISGUSTING! 115LBS

today im fighting... today im @ 115 but i have been drinking a bit of powerade zero and it went up to 116 - grrrr! i took water pills and diet pills and green tea tablets with some kelp tablet - i really hope this makes it all GO AWAY! im not expecting 111 tomorrow now - nope that was wishful thinking but come on! 114 at least or 113???

THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME!

ive done leg lifts - so far 200 each leg and 200 crunches... the leg lifts were easy - i have very strong legs - the crunches about killed me! not because im outta shape - because of the abuse of lastnights lax for the stomach howeve my lowerback - the bones from what is that the pelvis i guess? rub the floor when i do crunches or situps and it really hurts! not to mention the tailbone developing blisters from the friction and the shoulder blade and spine bruising as i do more and more... it doesnt matter i plan to get at least 200 more in today...

i went to the store and spent $ i didnt have - i had to get milk, cheese, sour cream etc plus a new shower head! i have to be able to shower! i then went to the other store and bought chicken, ham, cereal, ice cream, bananas, ricotta, ready made heat n eat mac n cheese n lasagna, some stuffed chicken patties, 2 bags mini donuts, all stuff i know is pretty healthy and decent for my boys - i dont plan to eat any of it... so far ive baked some of the chicken and have the rest in the crock - the smell is tantilizing and tormenting my tastebuds - but im fighting... i dont wanna blow this and i need the weight low! i cant go to this apt tomorrow higher weight and let the dr think she won with me gaining weight! fucking period has me so damn bloated - i know if i didnt get it i could have easily been less than 111! grrrr.... so its ok - ill be there i just have to keep going and not give up!

NOONE IN THE AY BUT ME NOW - SO MAKE THE GOALS HAPPEN!

i need to give up with mia... she isnt helping me - she only makes me more more miserable - resorting to things i just dont want to do... lax, purging over or excessive exercise... i just wanna be with ana now... please help me fast for a bit then i can sowly go back to restricting - right? i looked at foods i used to deem as safe - cottage cheese non-fat 70cals a serve, apples cut into bite sizes with a butter knife and sprinkled with cinnamon, small lettuce salad with 2 grape tomatoes 30cals, some low-fat yogurt like dannon light n fit - 80 cals a serve... these were my safe foods... unlimited green tea.... not anymore - now everything is a damn trigger and unsafe... it all makes me gain... i even find myself drinking water and purging it because i just cant stand anything in there! worse yet - i have found my body rejecting everything lately... i eat something and i best be damn near a bathroom! i dont seem to need help getting anything up either.. some of the worst foods to b/p on - donuts, pancakes and pizza... this week i ate them all and know what - it came up so easy! i didnt need extra liquid and i never need a finger anyway.. just bent and it all came up till it was acid then nothing... empty.

AND NOW...

NOTHING IS SAFE ANYMORE - IT IS ALL POISON!

a bit ago my son connected my new showerhead and i took a warm shower... relaxed a bit and got out... drank some water - bout hurled! it tastes so nasty! i hate water an trying to make myself drink anything - its not working... i dont want anything and so my taste buds (which r burned to hello now from lastnights puking) well... my body just says no....my head say yes u need it - nope. doesnt matter - i cant... i do not want it... even if i do need it....

YAY NEW DOUBLE SHOWER HEAD!!

i bought my movie - i really wanted to see 'salt' with Jolie in it - sh is such a thinspiration... its on in the player now as i do thi blog - but im just listenin - ill have to replay it and really watch it later - i just cant focus right now... need to clear this damn mind so i dont cave in! seems rediculous seeing as i have NO enery but it doesnt matter - i dont want to give in to mia's temptations so instead i am just doing anything and everything to stay busy - keep hands moving and clear the mind!

i wanna try to do the zumba on wii tonight - i just gotta get the energy! i think i will be abel too - idk yet - those stairs about killed me a bit ago!

THIS IS SO POPULAR MOST STORES CANT KEEP IT IN STOCK! CANT AIT TO TRY IT WHEN I HAVE THE ENERGY!

i have to get into my class and verify that my assignment for the team is ok and get it turned in - problem? my team mates have not aproved it or made changes yet! i hate waiting for people! so frustrating when i have done what i was supposed to now i have to wait for them to say yes or no...

WAITING IS SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS!

talking to some friends through text messaging and also through yahoo im - it really helps but sometimes i wish they could be inside my head and really know what i am thinking and we could all process it together - that would be so helpful! at the same time however - im glad people cant do that because some people i do not want to know what is going on in there - that could be very bad! ouch! imagine if dr or therapist could see whats really in there! omg i would be in so much trouble if they knew about lax and diet pills etc... not a good thing at all! so maybe we choose who can read and see whats going on - ya that would work!

FOR MY SPECIAL FRIENDS:

AND THESE GUYS JUST SAY IT ALL!

lets see it is now 615 pm and the cravings r here and im fighting... what makes it all worse is the gugrggling in my lower gut and the smell of the food throughout the house...grrrr... and even more? im sitting here watching Salt and blogging and reading threads on fgg and talking to friends and my hair i just faling out into my lap... it makes me wanna cry! my hair used to be so thick n full - a single pony holder couldnt keep it i had to section into 3-4 ponies...now one just doesnt stay in unless i like almost tie my hair around it! it really bites! im trying so hard and no matter which way i go - it seems there is no win for me...

i didnt do the zumba - im just too tired... im still trying to force this bottle of water - its in the fridge maybe super cold ill be abl to drink it? idk i ma just have the green tea instead... its good and boosts metabolism so y not right? ugh... weight thats why! weight ALWAYS is the reason! im did some more crunches - 200 more and 100 leg lifts on each side... at least i did something effective for myself i guess! ive not had a headache most the day but it is coming on now and i think it is mia trying to fuck with me - damn head games again! grrrr! well guess what - she is NOT getting me this time! i have to be strong as i have a weight check and last thing i want is to be even higher!

LETS MAKE THIS R DAILY FOOD!

THIS HAS TO WORK!

DAY 1 ALMOST OVER!

well if i need too ill add more later - i just hope the rst of the night goes by quickly i need a nap!

grrr why am i struggling so muc right now! i just wanna go bp big time! its killing me! help me hold on please!

HOLD ON TIGHT DONT LET GO!



well so far...

so far i caved in one time - i b/p... i had to make a run to the store so i decided i needed to b/p first so id have the energy and wouldnt have to wrry about passing out while driving- ya i was feeling that bad... so i drank 28oz of the tea i made and my weight is down to 119.0 from the 120 earlier from drinking... i want to b/p again i need to make sure i have some electrolytes in there before i lax tonight but it doesnt matter - either way im taking those bad boys! yep - hate em but love em...gag!
anyway so i finally finished BOTH papers - yay! u dont even know how hard it was for me to sit here this long and compile and write on ADHD - expecially when i suffer it myself - it is hard to sit this long! anyway - off to make the boys dinner and idk yet what ima do...

GUESS TIME WILL TELL...

well hmm....

so i got my period really REALLY bad! i mean the cramps so bad my back hurt so harshly it was pain to even try to move... yet i managed to get to the pawn shop and get a little money to get some milk and cheese for the boys... came home and totally b/p a total of 4x yesterday... not too bad i guess considering the past weeks but deff not what i had planned... so i weighed yesterday in the am i was 119.8

SO GROSS! THIS WAS 121 STILL BLOATY!

then throughout the day of course fluids and retention (thanx period bloat!) i weighed at bedtime - 123! omg! i knew part of it was the 2qtof tea i drank right before bed though so didnt freak out too much... it would go right through me right? yep! i had to pee 3x lastnight and this am i had dropped down to 118.6! so i am not thoroughly happy but i am a little less unhappy since it did go down and in fact dropped a lb!
so ya...
well it is 1030 am and so far i have already been productive despite my cramps! i have showered and shaved my hairy logs for legs and my armpits which seemed to be monkey pits! haha! just kidding - but they felt really bad and i needed to get it done so i finally did! ive also already responded to my 2 required responses for my class and begun to work on team and ind. papers. i need to get them done if i plan to lax tomorrow! so here goes - lets have a successful day!
PLEASE dont let me get triggered!
oh and as for personal pics (besides the one above from the other day) ... well i dont know if i will be adding any new ones for a while... i feel so disugsted with the amount i have gained even though i know most was the sea salt reaction and now period... laxing tonight shoulw bring me to close if not under the 111 mark so this will be a grand thing! i will be back where i was before the damn salt did its trickiness! i will win this just wait! i will make my goals no matter how much it takes from me and no matter the distance i have to go to do it! oh and finally - i said i did the taxes - well they wont be here till the 4th but once they get here - things will be under control financially finally and i can maybe get myself on track! finances are a HUGE trigger for me - knowing they will be tamed allows ana to say hey lets do this right! so here goes - another day but where's my dollar?

IVE GOT MY GOAL LIST AND SCREW THE WISH LIST - IMA DO THE GOALS!

well today sux ass for sure!

so i was able to obtain wow a whole $20 and i spent it all on food already and still dont have $ for haircuts for my boys... idk what ima do! i cant pawn anything else - dont have anything else... dont have anything anyone wants to buy at least not for like platos closet or anything... i guess this is gonna be one hell of a week... i checked my account balance and i thought everything had cleared - SO didnt happen! i dont know how im ever gonna get out of this rut with finances! i need to find a way and FAST! anyone give me a job? im a hard worker and very determined! at this point im about to start flippin burgers and i really dont wanna do that! so maybe i can get the taxes done like asap! that would really help but that means really working fast tomorrow... i need the money in the account to stop the damn fees! on top of this my period is so weird and heavy it hurts so bad to move! i want to go to zumba at the gymn tonight but im embarrassed t try and mvoe in front of people so maybe from home this time to keep me active but if it hurts too much wont have to be embarrased to stop...well the tax forms r here now at least so maybe that can help... shall see... just hope they let me do with poa that is printed not original...sorry im really down right now - ill try to post more later...weight is now 119 and im not happy but hoping period will make it go down fast...just fyi - pawn shops suck!

failure got the door down - or did she? SUCCESS - MAYBE?

what does this mean? well yes and no she got through and i failed my fast however i was also somewhat successful... how? well i managed to hold off til 840pm before i caved in to my b/p cravings... thsi means it only happened 1x what a huge change! the past few days for the past few weeks have been time after time with what seemed no end so 1x is way better and somewhat of a success...

OBSTACLES - LIKE FEARS CAN BE OVERCOME!

right now i woke triggered - y? because as i may or may not have posted before i got my period what waS 7 days (not 9 as i had thought) early... however this 'early' period only really was around for 1 day - it played "here today gone tomorrow or am i?" games it was really annoying... well i went to bed with a miserable backache and woke to da da dum - my period GRRRR! explains some of the issue with the bloating and inability to flush my system fully but i shall not give up! when i went to bed after the b/p lastnight i was up to 121.8 (not so bad i suppose) when i woke to pee i was down to 120.6 so i am hoping after i sleep some more it will still continue to drop - already had some water though and prob some coffee when i go downstairs... trying not to cave to my cravings of eggs with cheese right now - yep im low in protein again as my labs said and im totallycraving em to! ive noticed the lower it is in my labs themore i begin to crave em around my period time - there has to be some sort of supplement i can take so i dont need all the cals and dont keep b/p! i think maybe i will try a protein shake in my coffee this am - see if it helps with the cravings? its 55cals and if i add the chia for fiber lets see thats another 25 so a total of 80 cals - maybe i can handle that ill add some miralax too so not so tempted to purge as i drink it... i hope  - no i KNOW i can make myself do this... i have to remember ' there is noone in the way but you - you are the onlyone stopping yourself from reaching your goals' this means i have to make myself do it or question how badly do i really want it? ill post more later - this was just a quick morning update all!

SO LADIES  AND GENTS - WE CAN DO THIS IF WE SET THE GOALS AND WORK HARD ENOUGH!

 IM GAME HOW ABOUT U?

so triggered right now!!!! HELP ME!

so right now i am feeling really triggered... idky exactly just that part has to do with my boys eating dinner - the food smells is getting me tonight because i love spinach and they are having that with the porkchops and rice... i think also part is my youngest son... seems when i dont eat dinner with them - he doesnt seem to eat... he has already lost 6lbs and im getting worried as that puts him underweight for his age/height now i do NOT want him to get an ed too! im not really hungry i am feeling just really dizzy, lightheaded and pounding head makes me wanna cave in and purge to make it go away... thing is idk if it will actually go away this time!
i had my son get my latch hook stuff gonna try to do some of that and some mini exercisese...gonna start with:
200 crunches
leg lifts each side 10 min x 2 sets
pushups (ya im a whimp!) 10
hand weights (3lbs) curls and lifts x10 for each side x3 reps...
should be a good start... maybe some zumba later with wii if i have energy or the dizzy goes away - for now im sort of scared to go down the stairs seeing as when i stood up i nearly fell over sideway! everything went black and i had to lean on the bed to keep from falling so ya - maybe staying up here is the best and safest idea for now! still have 1 of the shakers of he iced coffee to drink... its so hard to do y!!!!!

SO HERE IS THE LATCH HOOK IM CURRENTLY WORKING ON - KEEP THOSE HANDS BUSY!!!

NOT MUCH LEFT TO FINISH! NOT TO WORRY THOUGH I HAVE 2 OTHERS WAITING!

oh and WELCOME to all my new followers! YAY!

so ive not caved but im feeling like a totally lost cause! all i can think about right now is b/p and how much i want it! y cant mia juts leave me alone already! i really wish id never met her and anyone who claims elsewise is full of shit in my opinion! granted at first its great with mia because she makes u lose weight successfully hen once ur body gets used to her - no more! and now u have no choice but to listen to her nagging calls and bitchy names unti u do as she wants or suffer the headaches and screaming voices in the mind... i just want to end the day and staart again... thing is i know first thing im gonna be smacked in the face with mia and have to deal with her all day again and alone... i really hate tihis lonely life!

so far today...

well let me see it is nearly 3pm and so far today (dont wanna jinx it!) ive had about 8oz green tea and 5 sips of water... i woke this am with stomach ache from hell and SAS (sick as shit) as i had taken 75 lax lastnight...

YEP THIS IS THE NASTY PUPPIES I USE! THEY WORK BUT MAKE ME GAG JUST SEEING THE PIC!

gotta get this body flushed and cleaned out and back to th pre swf weight! its working but taking its time... last weight check was about 121.6 so i am hoping it will keep dropping... i know fasting means i should be drinking but im afraid of retaining as a result so im doing small amounts and took water pills im also taking some diet pills again here soon... this is the time of the day when i get the weakest with my ability to resist triggers - mostly because my boys get home and i have to deal with their behaviors and cook dinner... howver in a b/p lastnight i cooked the meals for tonight and tomorrow in advance! yay! so they have their choice of porkchops with white rice and either spinach or green beans tonight and potatoes with chicken n the other veggie tomorrow night... all good healthy homemade meals!

FOOD GUIDE FOR KIDS?

i was talking to a friend on my messenger and i was telling her how i always feel so shallow and like when i want to say something - it never seems to come out or its not what i meant to say... i used to says o much when i would journal but ive since lost touch with that part of me as well... i know i need to find that connection again but idk how? i was remembering crying... me cy? NOT! ok so i saw my therapist for the past 3 yrs and she saw me cry a total of 3x...yep thats it 3... once back in may 2008 when she told me i was being admitted that day - it was my 15 or 16 yr anniversary - i was so distraught! i dont think i was scared juts angry and frustrated...then the next time was this past summer...i cried when she said i was being admitted against my will (which didnt happen)... i was not scared - i was annoyed and frustrated that i wasnt getting a choice in the matter and had noone to help with my kids...thats when it was changed and i was given till the end of aug to get my weight and lab up... the third and final time was when i had my last appt with her... i was so upset - i worked a lot and hard with her...i felt so abandoned and defeated and i cried a little then i stopped... i refused to appear lost or weak... i refused to let them think they had broken me down and they would win sending me to another treatment... nope wasnt happeing and hasnt... so this being said - since then ive stopped journaling and occassionally im here blogging but i feel like ive lost touch...idk what i feel anymore with the exception of anything to do with weight or labs...

ALONE IN A CORNER THATS HOW I FEEL... IVE DRANW A SIMILAR IMAGE IN THE PAST...

i got up this am - back to this morning sorry for the long tanget!, anyway i took the boys to the bus and came home back to sleep... i was so exhausted and so litterally POOPED! lax are a killer but i gotta get this body flushed! i do feel a lot better as far as the cleaning me out goes - im not feeling so 'salty' as i was...so lesson learned SALT IS BAD!



SEA SALT IS BAD!!!!

i finally woke when i heard my messenger chime on my phone - it was hubby and he wanted tot alk... he said im always sleeping...well thats what he needs to know - doesnt know about the b/p thinks thats under control...i cant tell him otherwise - he will freak if he knows... ive gotta stop before he gets home! as im laying here talking to him on messenger my friend also logs in and we start talking - this is when i remember i have to go get my lab results...grrrr... means i gotta get up and get dressed - damn it all! i wanted a full on lazy day - stay in bed and sulk! ok not sulk so much but stay in bed - yes! i finally managed to climb out the bed weigh and dress and head downstairs... might as well get the rice cooking while im down here - less i gotta go down there the better! so i threw the rice in the cooker added olive oil and water turned it on and headed for the hospital to get labs... got there yay! no wait time but damn my guts hurt! hope the dr doest spot me she might make me come for a walkin as shitty as i look nd hunched over im walking... whew - got away clear - she didnt see me and thank fully the case manager works in a different building now so screw it - im not going to see her dont feel like it so why? there is the other thing... if my dr wont lift the recommendaton of ip then y even go see her? y even care? the only reason to keep going was to get that lifted to return to my therapist... she said last week she wont lift it so y even bother showing up? idk - im debating canceling it but gotta wait till sunday so can call the vm line and leave a message that way cant try to convince me i need to come or try to reschedule for anotehr day... anyway - we will see what i decide...
either way im planning full on fast (fingers crossed!) and then lax again sat night... i want to be as close to or under110 as possible... i feel like i might have a chance with full fast and lax again... since normally i drop about 7-10lbs from the lax (yah its mostly water weight but as much retention i have right now from the salt still - i dont care what it is - get it OFF!)... so if i lose a few from fasting say 3-5 and then 7-10 more from lax...going low end is 10lbs or so... might have a chance!

SO THIS IS IT RIGHT NOW - WHAT IM HAVGING TODAY!

BLENDED ICED COFFEE WITH SPLENDA, BENEFIBER AND MIRALAX... ALSO GREEN TEA BUT I DRANK THE LAST ONE ALREADY SO JUST TABLETS...

triggers - well let me say got thos labs and headed back to the van - bought had a shit fit! fuckers came back WORSE than before! wtf! i mean this makes NO SENSE! i have more fat on me right now and ive been b/p nonstop so something has to be in there doing something right! wrong! so my BUN came back really low - this is supposedly something that if it is too low shows the body doesnt have enough fat so the body is turning to muscles to feed itself... wtf! i have fat! but not according to this - it was a 5 and not cupposed to go under 7 but preffered 12! last check i was a 9! then there was a new one - the TBILI came back low... this one sort of scares me... i know it is somethng to do with like what makes u jaundice - i cant remember if that is liver or kidneys though so ya that worries me some...especially after the salt issue... maybe thats what caused it...hoping it will go back to normal... then there is the proteins again fuckers low again! this is pissing me off! i ean ive added meat back to my diet and it goes back down??? i just feel like i cant win! so the good thng? thank you supplements - my potassium (K) and magnesium were both up...magnesium was right on the line - like not supposed to be under 1.9 and mine was 1.9 but K is good - yay! of course i did b/p on potatoes and i also took extra K supps 2 hrs before the labs... the other concern i did have was that my blood sugar level was very close to low... after having b/p that close to blood drawn it should not have been so low - thats kind of scarey as that can lead to a lot of things but oh well.... not gonna let it get to me!

FUCKING BLOOD!

when i came home i took some water pills and finished the tea then layed back down... ive been in bed laying down since... now however i just picked up my room a bit and logged onto the laptop which requires me to sit or i cant type worth a shit!
boys got home... it was time to deal with the "can i go outside"s and "i wanna play the xbox" "its my turn!" and and well you get it - so ya all the triggers...but no caving this time! honestly i feel less triggered right now - maybe because im actually doing something idk but it doesnt much matter - i just wanna make this work! I wanna take a shower and shave my hairy logs for legs but i feel a few things - too lazy and too tempted to cut... so i guess thats another day right? no biggie... the thing is those triggers - when i feel like cutting sometimes the only way to get rid of that is to either do it or to b/p so im trying hard to ignore and just stay strong... i have a magazine here i think i wanna look at and maybe work on some latch hook... i know i want to also look up intervention and  see if any new ones ive not seen before... so for now i think i will close this...maybe also print my article for my final and have my oldest bring to me... i can get a start on that so laxing wont be such a bad choice this weekend...lates!

OK WELL ITS LATER!
i feel so damn triggered! i made the iced coffee in the pic above - added so much ice it made 2 full 28oz shaker cups! i feel triggered while drinking it like its going to make me gain so much weight! im freaking out and i really wanna cave and just go down and b/p on chicken and rice! i really hate purging rice though! makes my throat so sore and its hard to get up - gonna try so hard not cave in! make it till 5pm then remember no food 3hrs before bed and im in bed at 8 tonight! so i can do this no matter how hard or much i wanna cave! i need strength!
this is a reminder of Y i have to make this work! i do not wanna keep looking like this!

MY STOMACH SO FAT AND DISTENDED AND GROSS...121 AND DROPPING I HOPE!

for those who are interested also - my legs are still grossly fat and measure 16.5" here are some pics from lastnight...

YES SAME TIME AND PLACE JUST TURNED IN THE LIGHT TRYING TO TAKE PICS - THE BATHROOM AT THE OFFICE WAS SMALL AND HARD TO TAKE GOOD PICS...THE LAS ONE WAS REALLY DARK FOR SOME REASON SO I HAD TO CROP WITH THE COMPUTER TO LIGHTEN IT SOME...